Dear Dating Coach,
I have been out on eight dates with a guy that I think might be the right match for me. We are on the same page on almost every topic and we have such easy conversations. He has really nice middos and his goals align with mine. Every date with him has been fun and it feels like we are making real progress. There is just one thing bothering me. The dates he has taken me on are just kind of “blah.” Boring venues with zero excitement. Every place just feels simple and typical. I feel like this means that he doesn’t want to make enough of an effort for me. Maybe this is a symptom of an overall lack of effort? Maybe it means he is just not that exciting? I like to explore new and interesting places and our dates have been anything but that. What do you think?
Mostly Happy But
Dear Mostly,
They just opened up a new (fictional but wonderful) jewelry store and it has become the place to go for anything that sparkles. The pieces they carry are exquisite, sourced from beautiful places and created with great thought and intention. Anytime someone purchases an item from the store, they are inundated with compliments as they glitter through the day. Every necklace, ring, and bracelet are crafted from the finest gold and their diamonds are clearer and brighter than ever. It’s not easy to buy something at this store. Sometimes it’s closed, sometimes there is a long line, and sometimes they just don’t have a piece they believe is suited for you. But when the jewelry fairies align and you can buy that perfect piece, you can be confident that you are set for life. There is only one small caveat. They do not believe in sweet blue jewelry boxes or pretty little pouches. Their diamonds are wrapped in plain brown paper. No gift bags given. No bows tied with precision. Perhaps this deters some customers… except well… those that are smart.
All that Glitters…
Thank you for reaching out. You have met someone that you like and want to continue dating. Someone that you believe could be ‘the one.’ Yet, there is a small part of you that is upset that your dates have been in unexciting hotel lobbies (not even pretty ones!) and you worry that this speaks to an overall lack of effort. Why doesn’t he try harder to take you to nicer spots? Why doesn’t he research and explore places that tell you that he is really trying to impress you?
Is Not Gold.
The goal of dating is to get to know someone better, to build a relationship, to get engaged, and to iy”H get married. This should mostly be an insular experience between two people. Yet, we live in a world that loves to share and impress. Your dates while perfectly nice, are lacking that insta appeal. Perhaps, maybe more ‘out of the box’ venues would offer a better narrative for your family and friends? Instead, regroup and focus on the story you will share with your children. Where you will speak of his character, your happy conversations, your ease with one another, and how wonderful it was to get to know their father. They will not ask where you went, or what clever name your drink had, or who you saw. They will not check your Instagram feed, and they will not care about things that have no bearing on the beautiful connection you are building. If nice places are important to you, a two-minute conversation in the future will definitely ensure special date nights. But now is the time to refocus on what matters; the person you are dating, rather than curated content that will not ensure your future happiness. Embrace the simplicity wrapped in brown paper and glitter all the way to the chuppah.
