I like to think that on Yom HaDin, people will be asked if they ever committed murder. Many will insist, “never.” But to their extreme shock, they will be told that indeed they have. For according to the Torah, publicly shaming or humiliating another person, young or old, is considered murder. The blood drains from the face of one who has been shamed, and it is said the hapless individual wishes he/she was dead. In English, there is the phrase, “dying of embarrassment.”
A milder form, which I call “manslaughter” is when people ignore your Shabbat greeting, or walk up to the person you are talking to, but totally ignore you, not even a quick nod to acknowledge your presence. Over the years, I have experienced both, but now know it’s a flaw in the individuals who ignore me, since as a tzelem Elokim, I have great value.
Over many decades, I have watched a husband or wife denigrate, disparage, ridicule, minimize, and criticize their spouse in public, mocking the person they stood under the chuppah with – without a second thought, as casually as pouring ketchup.
As someone who used to be on the receiving end of this toxic behavior from friends and family – I say used to be because I stopped all contact with these health-destroying individuals – I have zero tolerance for any emotional and verbal abuse – I wonder why the spouse doesn’t just walk away. However I realize the chronically abused opt to stay in the mistaken belief no one will want them – they were devalued for years, and are terrified of being alone. In their eyes, ”hard, crusty bread” is better than no bread.”
In a very insightful article in the June 20 issue, written by Itamar Frankenthal, an entrepreneur and investor who writes about the “the intersection of Torah values and derech eretz, he mentions a saying: Hell is meeting the person you could have become.” In other words, how tragic to have lived as a mediocre ugly duckling – when you actually were a magnificent swan.
Frankenthal mentions Dr. Joe Dispenza, who in his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, wrote “our self-image is largely formed by age 12. Before then, children absorb the world emotionally…the same mind that believes it’s an astronaut can believe it is good, smart or worthless. The narratives we give children become the voices they carry.” When children are chronically criticized by misguided parents; when they are told they are stupid, worthless and bad, that is how they will see themselves. Some will lack the confidence to realize and actualize their potential. They believe they are failures and are too afraid to ” launch” in terms of getting married or be in jobs worthy of their capabilities. They don’t want outsiders to discover how inferior they are. Tragically, they aren’t, but perception is everything and defines one’s self-view.
A friend shared that a frequent shopper in his father’s toy store, came up to him and said that his father’s relentless criticism of whatever he did was destroying his personality. Unlike his peers, he never married and only worked for his father, despite obtaining an engineering degree. Essentially, his father, “murdered” his future.
His parents were survivors of the Shoah, many of whom were emotionally shut down, and chronically critical and controlling, and unwittingly crushed their kids’ self-esteem. I believe that many felt extreme guilt for surviving, and they desperately tried to justify their survival and assuage their guilt by producing super-achievers, doing so by goading them to try harder; e.g. ” you got a 95 on your math test, why didn’t you get 100? ” Or why didn’t you get the lead in the school play, maybe you should have lost weight?” Or why didn’t the doctor/lawyer’ accountant, etc. ask you out again? Let’s go over what you said to him.”
At some point many tried harder to achieve an unachievable goal, but eventually gave up and believed they were incapable of measuring up. One friend confided that as a 20-something-year-old, who actually had slimmed down after years of being chubby, she was told by her mother as she stood by the mirror tweaking her curly hair (that was when girls would iron their hair straight) that she shouldn’t go to shul (it was Yom Tov) because she looked terrible.” My friend had what she called a defining moment. Is this what I was raised on? Is that why I never took risks? Because I was made to believe I less than my peers?
Sometimes a kind and encouraging teacher or rebbe ignited an ember of self-confidence, a sliver of self-esteem. But sadly, there were educators who had personality issues and would verbally demolish a student with snide, sarcastic comments and taunts. And the classmates would model this behavior and continue the abuse.
I truly believe there was no deliberate malice – that the abuse was fueled by a subconscious need to feel superior to someone in order to feel better about themselves.
But a bullet launched by accident, as opposed to deliberately, still causes the same carnage. So with Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur approaching, times of self-introspection, and review, ask yourself if you are a murderer. And then stop yourself from humiliating, embarrassing and denigrating and demonizing and diminishing those who look to you to be uplifted, and supported.
Go for therapy if necessary to get insight – so you can end the “bloodshed” and save your Olam Habah.
