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May 30, 2015 / 12 Sivan, 5775
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AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME

Palestinians, Progressives, Peace Now, Must Unite to Ban Chanukah

“It wasn’t the Greeks whom the Israelis conquered. They were Palestine refugees from Syria."

Greek Kefiyah

Photo Credit: YYanover

Spokesman for the new Palestine State at the United Nations announced that they are presenting a motion before the Security Council condemning Israel over the celebration of Chanukah.

The holiday, which Jews around the world have been celebrating for 3000 years, commemorates Israel’s victory over the Greeks who had conquered the Land of Israel and outlawed the Jews from observing the commandments of the Torah.

At a press conference explaining the motion, Abass Babass, the spokesman for the new, non-member, Palestine State said, “It’s time the Chanukah myth be exploded. It wasn’t the Greeks whom the Israelis conquered. They were Palestine refugees from Syria, the original settlers of Palestine. After the invading Israelis perpetrated mass genocide on our people, and exiled the survivors to Syria, we returned and re-conquered our land in a heroic struggle. We lived there in peace until the Israeli revolt, when they stormed our eternal capital, Jerusalem, and set up their menorah on the mosque on the Temple Mount. Now, to redress this great wrong and historical lie, we are calling on the international community to condemn Israel for its aggression against the Palestinian people, an aggression that continues to this day, and which Chanukah has come to symbolize in our eyes.”

While the United States has not yet taken a stand on the motion, all other member nations are supporting the condemnation, with the exception of Greece which maintains that they were indeed the conquerors of Israel, and not the Palestinians who, they claim, didn’t exist at the time.

The Peace Now Movement in Israel has also declared their support for the proposed Palestine motion, calling the celebration of Chanukah immoral in championing the Maccabees, “a band of radical religious zealots and rightist settlers who, in waging a ‘Tag Machir’ price-tag war against the Palestinians, were the forefathers of Moetzet Yesha and Gush Emunim.”

Also lending their support to the Palestinian cause is an alliance of Reform Jews from America called the “Progressive Pluralist Platform,” which advocates a “do-your-own-thing style of Judaism.” The director of the organization, Rabbi Patty Christianstein, calls Chanukah a “celebration of fascism.” Waving the flag of Palestine outside the UN, she stated: “Chanukah is not the innocent lighting of candles and spinning of dreidels that many Americans think. Judah the Macabee was the crazed leader of a vicious cult that murdered anyone who didn’t believe in the Divinity of the Torah. The main fight of the Macabees was against the enlightened Jewish Hellenists, who cherished Greek-Palestinian culture. Chanukah is a holiday of hate and intolerance that must be abolished so that the true values of Judaism can shine forth.”

In response, the ruling Likud Party’s Moshe Feiglin issued a curse statement reading: “The Jewish People have celebrated Chanukah for 3000 years, and we will continue to celebrate it as the joyous holiday of freedom which celebrates Jewish sovereignty over the Temple Mount and all of Eretz Yisrael.”

In light of the controversy, the Jewish spokesman for the President of the United States has announced that in consideration for the Palestinian people, the President is weighing the cancellation of this year’s traditional menorah-lighting festivities at the White House.

The Orthodox community in America couldn’t be reached.

About the Author: Tzvi Fishman was awarded the Israel Ministry of Education Prize for Creativity and Jewish Culture for his novel "Tevye in the Promised Land." A wide selection of his books are available at Amazon.

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41 Responses to “Palestinians, Progressives, Peace Now, Must Unite to Ban Chanukah”

  1. this is some kind of sick joke, isn't it.

  2. James Coble says:

    What a load of bull ****!

  3. Kathie Mott says:

    The palestinians didn’t exist at the time that the Maccabees defeated the Greek Hasmoneans who had ruled over Israel. This happened before Messiah Yeshua came. Yochanon 10:22-23 shows that the Messiah observed Hannukkah.

  4. Isaac Koa Hill says:

    Wow…. antisemitism on a whole another level.

  5. Darrell M Radin says:

    How could they be Palestinian refugees when they were from Syria?

  6. Alan Winters says:

    stupid

  7. Lee Grupsmith says:

    <glyph of extreme unbelief>.

  8. Dennis R. Laffer says:

    Another attempt by the Palestinians to deny the historical existence of the Jewish connection to the land. It's like Orwell's "1984": why not rewrite history to fulfill your political and ideological needs? Who is going to object?

  9. Sarah C. Dee says:

    Is this even true? Could we get some links to sources? Are you saying that Canada approves of this and Greece is the only one saying no to this? I find this hard to believe.

  10. Lawrence McCurry says:

    Israeli propaganda, look where it's printed.

  11. Sarah C. Dee says:

    I can't find a single thing on the internet to support this claim….

  12. Moe Winters says:

    This is beyond madness.

  13. I checked the date on the article, and strangely it's not April 1st. This line cracked me up the most:

    "The Orthodox community in America couldn’t be reached."

    This sounds like satire to me.

  14. Tanya Glover says:

    this has got to be a freaking dream right? how dare american even consider overlooking this sacred holiday when the so love to embrace every christain holidy there ever was? I am so boiling mad I could spit hot water! and the fact that a supposed Jew is supporting this makes me feel even sicker.

  15. Sarah C. Dee says:

    At first I thought that this was a piece from The Onion but it's not.

  16. Heshy R says:

    Folks, this is SATIRE. If you don't get it, you really need a life.

  17. Heshy R says:

    It may as well be. This is SATIRE.

  18. Heshy R says:

    Folks, this is SATIRE. I don't know which is sadder, the hypothetical situation that this article seeks to mock or the commenters here that are taking it at face value.

  19. Heshy R says:

    Folks, this is SATIRE. I don't know which is sadder, the hypothetical situation that this article seeks to mock or the commenters here that are taking it at face value.

  20. Heshy R says:

    Folks, this is SATIRE. I don't know which is sadder, the hypothetical situation that this article seeks to mock or the commenters here that are taking it at face value.

  21. Yori Yanover says:

    I believe we discovered the perfect way of performing street theater online, with audience participation. Next we should take on Purim, with all that needless carnage in Shushan!

  22. Liad Bar-el says:

    Great story Tzvi. Your next book should be “Palestinians, Progressives, Peace Now, Must Unite to Ban All Jewish Holidays.”.

  23. Awraham Itschak says:

    It's worse that in Miami a Chanukiah was broken than this could be news fact.

  24. If this is what they say about Chanuka I can't wait to hear what they say about Purim when we also killed many thousands in self defense or Pesach when Hashem sent the plagues and destroyed the Egyptian army in the sea.

  25. Purim comes early at the UN or the JP.

  26. Joel Chaim Nowicki says:

    Another nonsense made in Plasteline.

  27. Claire Austin says:

    I hope this is a joke.

  28. Joel Chaim Nowicki says:

    Unfortunately it does not sound like one

  29. My…..my……just fry my hide!

  30. Heshy R says:

    The Iranians already staged protests at the tombs of Mordechai and Esther in Hamadhan, saying that the tombs should be destroyed because Mordechai and Esther were responsible for the deaths of thousands of Persians. Which is true … but it represents a very selective reading of the Megillah. Thing is, though, that this was not theater … they meant it.

  31. How about banning all Palestinian celebrations, holidays, birthdays! Only, celebrate their funerals!!

  32. Don't believe everything you read. Quite often crap like this surfaces, but is proven later to be bogus.

  33. Isaac Koa Hill says:

    Lewis stfu mf-_- this is biased? they are attempting to destroy a jewish holiday for no reason this is hate.

  34. Lewis Holder says:

    I thought you were against a media which isn't biased? :)

  35. Isaac Koa Hill says:

    Mhm……… agreed ha.

  36. Anastasia Klein says:

    this is satire…though the way "palis" and all islam acts, it is not far-fetched.

  37. Damn, I thought it was real. I already told my mother this really happened. Now what do I do?

  38. Hadar Israel says:

    WOW! Some people's ignorance and narrow mindedness is so abysmal that they don't even get satyrical pieces like this one any longer: they think that it is actually a news item!
    I guess that a few decades of "soma" have sorted their effects in this "Brave New World"!

Comments are closed.

Tzvi Fishman, author of the Jewish Press blog Felafel on Rye and author of more than a dozen books.
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