Dear Mrs. Bluth,
You get so many sad and painful letters, that I thought, perhaps, I could interest you in printing one that is anything but that. I realize that there is a world of misery out there and in truth; my own life was filled with family strife and dark places. However, this year something happened that brought peace and tranquility to our family.
In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I would alternate spending Shabbosim and Yomim Tovim with our respective families. I enjoyed being with my family during those years, seeing them embrace my husband like a son and doting on each of our children as our family grew.
The same, however, could not be said for the time spent with my husband’s family. My father-in-law was a critical and demanding man who had nothing pleasant to say and my mother-in-law did little to make me feel welcome or included in her family. They did not appreciate the clutter of toys or the noise made by our little ones when we stayed over for Yom Tov and I ran myself ragged following them around, picking up after them and setting things right so that nothing was left out of place in their museum-perfect house. Needless to say, I dreaded those visits, but kept quiet and didn’t say anything to my husband about it. However, it soon began to wear thin with him as well.
Six years ago, we were with my in-laws for Pesach. I was in my eighth month of a very difficult pregnancy with our sixth child and really couldn’t do much of anything. My children, for the most part, are good and well behaved, but they are normal, healthy and active kids who love the freedom that Yom Tov offers and so they may have been a bit more rambunctious than usual. With my not being able to follow them around and clean up after them, what happened was not a surprise.
At the Seder, my five-year-old, who insisted on staying up so he could show off saying Mah Nishtanah for his Zeidy, managed to spill some of the wine from the first cup. My father-in-law yelled at him and said he should be put to bed because he was a baby who didn’t know how to conduct himself at the table. My child was so heartbroken and embarrassed at the rebuke that when it came time for him to ask the Four Questions he burst out crying. I took him away from the table and tried to console him and it was quite a while until he fell asleep on his cot.
I returned to the table and the Seder in progress and could feel the tension. My mother-in-law made a snide comment regarding my prolonged absence and that the food would probably be ruined because the Seder was taking so much longer to progress. I tried to apologize for the earlier inconvenience, but my father-in-law cut me off by saying that my children behaved like animals. That is when the war erupted.
My husband and his father began arguing and, try as I might to calm him down, it went from bad to worse. My children who were sitting at the table kept their heads down so as not to witness the cutting words that passed between their father and their grandparents. We barely touched the food and none of them cared to steal the afikomon.
The debacle could not end soon enough, and it was all I could do to convince my husband that we not leave and walk the mile and a half to my parents’ home to spend the rest of Yom Tov with them because I couldn’t walk that far. So we stayed, barely speaking to my in laws and left immediately on Chol Hamoed. And we have been estranged ever since.
During those years of silence, we missed many family simchos and special events because we were not invited. They, in turn, chose not to attend ours, except for our son’s bar mitzvah where they came late, left early and did not want to take any family pictures. I tried to reach out to my in-laws because I truly felt my children needed to know them, not just my parents. Although they always spoke with me on the phone when I called each erev Shabbos and our children wished them a Gut Shabbos, I could feel the coldness in their voices. But I kept trying.
Seven months ago, in a mistake that could have only been orchestrated from above, my husband accidentally received his father’s medical test results. The information was not good or encouraging. I pleaded with my husband to go see his father before it was too late, as did our rav and our children.
It was not an easy decision, but we decided to go as a family. It was the best thing we could have done. The six years had taken a terrible toll on my father in law who was wasting away from his illness and from the anguish he carried in his heart. Upon seeing his fragile father, my husband broke down and wept, begging his father’s mechilah. Each of our children came forward and kissed their Zeidy saying how much they love him and missed him. My father-in-law, with tears in his eyes, blessed each one and I took my mother-in-law’s hand and was touched to see the tears on her cheeks. We hugged and without saying a word, I knew we had done the right thing. My father-in-law passed away three weeks ago, a few days before Pesach. My mother-in-law chose to be with us for the Yom Tov and it was a beautiful Pesach, tinged with sadness, filled with catching up and remembrances.
Dear Friend,
What a wonderful letter. Thank you for sharing it with us and being the role model for what forgiveness and perseverance can bring about. With your good heart, amazing spirit and strong will you took a family fractured and broken, and made it whole again. Not only this, you also gave your children a huge lesson in kibbud av v’aym. They saw the mesiras nefesh you had, making the erev Shabbos calls every week and encouraging them to speak with their grandparents even when you were received coldly. It didn’t stop you from trying constantly to strive for peace and forgiveness. That is why Hashem cleared the path for you to succeed.
In moments of great joy, there are instances of great sadness, I am sorry for your husband’s loss so soon after reconnecting with his parents, but sometimes how things evolve are beyond our control. That they had even a short time together before his father’s petirah is a great brocha. There should be no regret, guilt or anger on your husband’s part as you all had a healthy closure. Although there is sadness and mourning for the loss, looking back there is also great comfort in the knowledge that there is and has always been, great love. May this bring you peace and the comfort of knowing that your father-in-law left this world surrounded by a united family.
