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Does It Bother You when your Kid Comes Home Feeling like Junk?

Response to Rabbi Wallerstein's Agudah convention speech.

Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein

Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein

The standard for weddings was set by whomever it was and then a whole bunch of other people followed until it became that if you don’t follow the last guy, you are not living up to the standard. What’s the point of living up to the standard? Besides keeping up with the other guy, NOTHING. What you gain is you’re still in the game. You just passed the latest hurdle of let’s say making a chasuna and you’re still part of the club because you borrowed enough money to live up to the standard of some wealthy person who set it. Someone set the standard for shidduchim that the guy or girl and their family have to be perfect and in order to stay in the system and stick to that standard, we have to lie and deceive everyone.

So why aren’t we changing it? I think that there is a tremendous fear of not fitting in. No one wants to be that first guy to change things. No one wants to be the second guy either because that also takes too much guts. Once two do it, it gives permission for more to follow because there’s now a new system that you can belong to without being considered weird. There is of course a fear of any change but I think people are cracking and feeling the effects so strongly of not changing, that they are ready to change. It’s more the fear of not belonging and being looked down upon and all the fears that come along with that like not getting shidduchim…

What needs to be done? A good start would be for everyone to put pressure on the powerful Rabbanim, leaders and educators to get together and decide all together that they will all make certain changes all together at the same time. The only way schools will be willing to change is if other schools also change at the same time. I can’t describe the feeling of relief the educators would feel if they could actually make the changes they believe in. Once schools change, the standard will be different and all the other schools will follow. If they don’t follow, they will or could be looked at as the school that oppresses children. An example of change in the school system would be to have shorter days. Another example would be to not make girls learn and memorize every Rashi and Ramban on Chumash. Weddings have been changing a bit but still have many standards that make people spend way more than they can afford. Some people and I would say especially wealthier people have to start making more simple weddings and that would give permission to everyone else to not have to make a fancy weddings.

A simpler wedding could be just a shmorg after the chuppah without having to do the shmorg and then a meal right afterwards. We don’t need new benchers at every wedding either. If someone wants a souvenir from the wedding, they can save the invitation. If it is all built on living up to a certain standard (not a Torah one in any sense) and being part of the club and fitting in, then all people need is permission to follow a different standard and they will jump on it faster that we can blink. Who wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to not have to borrow money they don’t have and have no idea how they will pay it back? On a personal note, when we were making our first bar mitzvah, we were thinking about the invitations we had to order. We asked ourselves one question. Why would we pay for invitations if it is way easier, way more efficient and FREE if we used evite.com? Our answer was the only reason we would do it is because everyone else is doing it. So we decided that that was a ridiculous reason and went with evite.com for free. Guess what? Everyone loved it and no one cared that they didn’t receive a paper invitation that they would throw out after putting the date and time into the calendar.

This is why it’s a big deal to everyone when Rabbi Wallerstein decides to be straight about the situation. It’s because he is doing what everyone is scared of. He’s saying things that could put him out of the system and standard and we are all petrified of that. It gets us uncomfortable and nervous that maybe if there is change, we ourselves may then be out of the system. I don’t think it’s because we are all shocked by the content he shared. We all know it because we all have to deal with this every day with ourselves and our children.

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46 Responses to “Does It Bother You when your Kid Comes Home Feeling like Junk?”

  1. Esther d says:

    Beautiful! Well-written! Excellent points and thought provoking. Thank you!!

  2. Sonyaelli Perlman says:

    So true it hurts

  3. Bezalel – your words are so wise. You are a breath of fresh air!, I love that your angle is always compassion for people. We are so hungry for change. I'm grateful to be living with someone as brave and insightful as you.

  4. Glenna Frank Ross says:

    Spot on! A number of us have been saying this for years. If we keep going this way, the Jewish infrastructure will not have enough resources to support it. This next generation will not have the resources to support the shuls and schools that their parents did. It is a huge concern.

  5. Rachel Schreiber Levitan says:

    As a BT a lot of things have always seemed strange to me. I never would have expected my parents to support me when I was an adult. In the frum world it seems to be the norm. Too much emphasis is placed on outward appearances and that is not what we teach our children, but it seems to be the way we judge others.

  6. Chev Bacher says:

    You probably hear me cheering all the way from South Africa. Although every community struggles slightly differently with various issues, so many of the extremely valid and disturbing points you brought up regarding the chinnuch of our children are so universal and experienced by us all. Yasher koach for bringing to the fore added awareness and insight on such important matters.As a side, you write and express yourself in a way that really reaches the reader. Thank you! And keep writing, you have so much to add!

  7. Mark SoFla says:

    The evite.com thing is a great idea. That way you don't get stuck with any super-frummies that don't use the Internet! :-)

  8. Nitza Chana says:

    My husband asked me to hold off commenting on this post. He said he really wanted to share a few things about it and why he loved and agreed with it so deeply. I agreed but did want to share it with those of you who are not friends with him. I will, however, comment on it soon after him. Please read and share.

  9. Nitza Chana says:

    B'H for you both. It is not easy to stand sometimes but it is always the right things to do.

  10. Brittany Newmark says:

    Spot on.

  11. Avi Glazer says:

    Oh, now it makes sense. Someone focused like a laser beam on spreading the beauty of Judaism? There had to be a Klatzko connection somewhere, right? :-)

  12. David Lubega says:

    My experience is not unlike your own. Growing up as a Seventh-day Adventist Christian, I had many, many rules to follow. Early in life, we learned that we “couldn’t” do this or that. Much of it made absolutely no sense to me. However, my growing understanding of life, along with my expanded vocabulary, allowed me to amend or modify my response from my earlier years. I now said, “We don’t do this or that”, and explain if asked why. I thought it was a more ‘mature’ way of handling things. My heart hadn’t changed, though. I was still very frustrated and confused about so much.

    The educational system is very similar. It believes in reinforcing the value system taught at home. However, so many of us grew up hating our value system because of what we couldn’t do. A big part of our disillusionment was the fact that we were explicitly (and implicitly) taught not to question anything that couldn’t be easily explained. I honestly used to hate my parents for so many things that they couldn’t explain. I now see that nobody explained things to them, so they couldn’t pass along what they didn’t have. I have a younger brother and sister, and I tried to explain things to them from my experience, especially things that were not explained to me.

    I have seen the educational costs go up substantially over the years. I remember one preacher saying that “if we continue to preach that our children must be schooled in Christian schools, yet place the costs out of reach of most people, then we have made the salvation of our children dependent upon finances.” This is from grade school to post baccalaureate levels. And I believe it is true.
    I think I went through a ‘rebellious’ phase. If something couldn’t be explained to me, I did my own research. Once I discovered ‘juicy’ bits of information, especially things that would diametrically oppose what I had been taught to accept without question, I breathed a sigh of satisfaction. A smirk also came on my face. At that point, parents, pastors, teachers, authority figures of any kind, and whomever else had nothing further to say to me about the particular issue I had researched. That was a good feeling. Yet it still didn’t fix the problems. Solutions could come only if the whole system underwent a change.

    You said that a reason for lack of change is the fact that people don’t want to feel like they no longer fit in. I understand that to an extent. But I also know that in my experience, many of my fellows no longer care that they don’t fit in. They don’t want to fit in. The fact that they never did fit in is what bothers them to begin with. They left it all behind and never looked back. And there is no shortage of disparaging remarks they could make against the system they know so well.

    All in all, I believe that because the whole system is built on a lie, it was always taught that one must accept everything by faith, lest the lie be discovered. For some of us, it was just a matter of time before we verbally articulated our discovery of the lie and actually make up our minds for ourselves regarding how and what we would do as a result. We know that it is just a matter of time before the system topples, as you have spoken. We feel sorry for the friends that are holding on for dear life. We have found liberation in breaking away, whatever the reason may be. I wish this liberation on everyone.

  13. בן וקסמן says:

    i disagree with the premise that schools have to change simultaneously. if everyone is really so turned off with what is going on, the parents at a school can demand change there, others will then follow. or you know what? not everyone will follow, some will follow and you'll create something very healthy: a second track. a different pathway. and maybe there will be another group of parents who try something else entirely and you'll have three tracks, etc. the end result will be a healthier society for everyone involved.

  14. Take example from home school kids, they r happy & thriving

  15. Chaya Nebel says:

    wow. super well said.

  16. Yael, Mrs Perlman here, we agree with you 100%. That's actually what this article is about. On a personal level we can do that. That's why we've homeschooled our kids at different times and serve hot dogs for sheva brachos instead of knocking ourselves out making a 6 course meal with speeches on a weeknight that no one wants to sit through. But we are not everyone .We have the luxury of growing up ffb and in very open homes without the need to know if we fit in or not. This change needs to be spoken about bc the mainstream society doesn't pioneer or homeschool, they look to leaders, and to the very community that they signed up to be a part of.

  17. YES! Our best years were when we homeschooled our kids!!

  18. WOW! I really like this train of thought

  19. Caycee Polun says:

    Thank you for writing this Betzalel. It's a very thought-provoking article and I think it took courage to put it out there. I agree that guidance from our Rabbanim is very critical here. These are crazy times we are living in.

  20. Odes Sher says:

    Wonderful article and I am in complete agreement with most of the premise. My wife and I recently moved our kids to public school and developed individual learning programs for our kids. The backlash from some Rabbis has been utter shock that we would risk the soul of our kids to the influences of the non-jewish world. From our friends the response has been positive and maybe even a sense of envy that we are saving so much money on tuition cost. The reality is that for us it was not about the money (even though this change has allowed my wife to stay home and have the proper energy to be there for OUR kids when they get home from school). Our point is that there is as much danger (maybe even more) learning yiddishkit improperly as there is in being in a non-Torah environment (our public school is safe, honest, and caring, but without the preaching). Our kids wear their Tzizit and kippa, which meant that we had to be able to explain to them WHY observant Jews wear those items. There is non kosher food so we had to explain to them the beauty of kashrut. So many things they (and we) took for granted had to be handled directly. How are we different than non Jews? Why does Hashem care if we do mitzvot? And most importantly, who is Hashem and why are we meant to have a relationship with Him? Having worked with “off the Derech” kids for over 10 years, I have found that when the Torah we teach is a living Torah, meaning that all the stories and mitzvot are directly meaningful to the STUDENT and their own unique relationship with Hashem, then the natural result is a healthy Jew that has a meaningful relationship with God. Someone that is just told what he/she must do, usually is either robotic or disconnected from the essence of what they are actually trying to achieve (been in most shuls lately :)). In my opinion the system works for a few and they thrive, but for most it’s an expensive and negative man-made Jewish bubble.

  21. Anonymous says:

    While it is true that schools have much to be desired, the real failure is in the home. If a parent is really committed to their children's success, they CAN find a qualified school, with good mechanchim, and with good middos. Most parents simply don't care enough and would rather complain than do make any accommodations. Choosing the closest school to one's home, or one that is convenient, or one that costs less, is simply irresponsible. If you want to have successful children who make good choices and have Derech Eretz, then you need to lead by example. School's can and will adapt if parent make good choices. Then can and will improve – but only if the parents demand it.

  22. this is an amazing article, a must read!!! Lets be part of the revolution for creating the needed change in Jewish Frum Community life…especially the chinuch and school system…

  23. Chanie Katz says:

    You and Rabbi Wallerstein are definitely on the money but the truth is that many in the frum and nonfrum Jewish community buy in to the theory that their child has to be a top lawyer,doctor or Talmud chochumm-the professions are different but the attitude is the same and until that attitude changes and children are respected for whom they are and not their iq's, I don't know how much any yeshiva can do-the mentality that is ingrained in most people is that you have to be the best or else you're not worth much-if the parents'attitudes change,maybe yeshivas will grab on to the "new wiorldview" and change too."-we can only hope and pray….

  24. Jennifer Meltzer says:

    Amen. And the mentality in some ways is even worse in Israel, from what I hear among the Hareidi community. And as my son-in-law would say, the rest are burning garbage cans in Meir Shearim.

  25. Jennifer Meltzer says:

    Amen. And the mentality in some ways is even worse in Israel, from what I hear among the Hareidi community. And as my son-in-law would say, the rest are burning garbage cans in Meir Shearim.

  26. Gary Pickholz says:

    one of the most fundamental flaws in American education is the complete mismatch of hashkafa and fundamental beliefs between the community and those appointed to positions of chinuch, which is invariably significantly wiiiiiiiiiide to the right of the community. As a result, our children rapidly learn the fraud of our lives, and the subtle message of "play along with them even though we don't really share common beliefs", while the Rabbonim look down on our children for pursuing hashkafot we truly believe in for their future. This is madness, and societal suicide. Job one is to remove the faculty and Rabbonim out of sync with the communities they service.

  27. So now we know and now the Rabbonim know what are they going to do about it ???????

  28. Jackie Wolf says:

    Thank you for this article.

  29. Tracy Steele says:

    Thank you for this. For what its worth, in my effort to understand my place in the observant community, and to make choices that are not fear driven I have simplified the equation to 2 questions:
    1. Is honoring HaShem and doing His will at the top of the priority list?
    2. Are people coming before things?
    If the answer is yes, then I feel good about moving forward. When confused, we seek das Torah for help. My goal is no longer to fit in per se, but things are easier when that happens to work out. I don't go against the trend just for the sake of statement making….only for the sake of being true to the most real me I can be.

  30. For someone that preaches this you sure are quick to judge people who always grew up in pants, hung out with boys, and went to public school where it is normal to smoke marijuana. Hanging out with boys does not aways mean sex unless doing it to rebel and even talking to a boy means going to hell. As for marijuana many people experiment or use it recreationally it is not an issue till people are doing harder stuff. PAnts are many times way more tzniut then the mini skirts girls wear. Instead of worrying about elbows showing kets worry about knees being covered. A vagina and butt is way more attractive to guys then an elbow. Just saying.

  31. Nancy Asher says:

    Hi Betzalel,

    It was a good article! You are right that we should not be sheep and resemble our oppressors of all the ages. You are right that it takes courage to do what you believe is right for yourself and your children in a Jewish world and secular world, by the way, where conformity is what is most valued. It is time we start following our Perkei Avot, and our biblical forefathers who certainly had the courage to think and do for themselves and be supported and strengthened by Hashem for it. And may you and your beautiful family be blessed! Not worry about shidduchim, as each of your children is a star!

  32. Natalie Reid Cooper says:

    Interesting article and interesting response by Mrs. Perlman. Oddly enough, it's because my husband and I _didn't_ grow up FFB that we feel free to homeschool, to make a small bar mitzvah for our son, to wear colors beyond black and white. :) But we also lived for over a decade in a community where conformity was absolutely vital and homeschooling would have marked us as "at-risk" or "OTD". So I can really identify with those who feel trapped into conforming to norms they don't necessarily agree with and making simchos they can't afford. Hopefully more of us will have the courage to make our own way, choosing the derech that's best for our families and most likely to help our kids find their place in Yiddishkeit.

  33. Thank you Nancy. You and your family are true role models for how to be great Jews who are true to themselves.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Bezalel: Marietta pointed this article out to me, and had no idea it was yours!
    When I was running Kol Hanearim, i was trying to get around a system that treated parents like deadbeats, threatened them with expulsion of their children, and withholding of transcripts, if they couldn't afford the tuition. It was suggested to me by a Chashuva Rav that what we really needed was a free school for poor people, and the teachers would be baal ha'batim. Great. Kids who already feel like dirt, get to go to the poor house school, and be taught by people who don't know how to teach. I finally gave up, when my own son needed me to help him heal from the oppressive system you describe. The board of Kol Hanearim was comprised of regular people – not rich, not Rebbeim – wo themselves had to deal with tuition issues. In the end, it did not work because the old boy network wouldn't support it. They had too much of an invested interest in the status quo. Nothings going to change until people just bolt, and create a new paradigm. My advice – avoid setting up rigid organizational structures. It is the nature of institutions to forget their original purpose, and start to serve the needs of the institution itself.

  35. Totally agree. All the insanity was why I left. I was miserable and it was mostly shaker. Now I safely ensconced out of town!

  36. Dov Nelkin says:

    I don't get the connection between what he said and wallerstein. Also, while I liked most of what he wrote, why is the in school educational change he recommends only not having girls memorize rashi /ramban? It felt like a weird example.

  37. Dov Nelkin says:

    I don't get the connection between what he said and wallerstein. Also, while I liked most of what he wrote, why is the in school educational change he recommends only not having girls memorize rashi /ramban? It felt like a weird example.

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