Resurrection: The Neglected Consolation

To deny resurrection is to deny God’s omnipotence. If He can make a seed in the ground grow, or make a seed in a woman’s womb give birth to a child, He certainly can bring life to those sleeping in the ground. It may sound simplistic. But every truth is simple – only falsehood is complicated. Therefore, an egg is the symbol of resurrection, and it is mourner’s food.  Resurrection gives meaning to life, and comfort in the face of death.

I recently read a complaint in a Jewish weekly from a reader who had suffered a loss in her family. Some friends did not attend the funeral, some did not visit during the shiva, and some did not even send a letter or note. Later, she met them and they expressed their sympathies. The problem for her was that this was too little, too late. After the mourning period she found the courage to continue her normal life, but these belated acknowledgments disturbed her, bringing back sorrow and pain.

The Torah and the Sages limited the time for mourning in degrees – seven days, thirty days, twelve months. Did they also set a time for offering tanchumin (solace)? We find that for the commemoration of the churban – the destruction of the temples and the exile – we have three weeks of mourning in degrees. But we have seven weeks for comfort.

Perhaps what is missed by those who do not visit during shiva is the chance to comfort also the soul of the deceased. The Sages teach that the soul hovers in the house of mourning and seeks comfort. Therefore, the formula for expressing comfort to mourners, even if there is only one mourner, is always in the plural – yenachem etchem. It includes the soul of the person who died.

But the true question is: Do we really express comfort, and assuage the pain of the mourners, just by saying this formula? What is true nechum aveilim?

There are condolences and there is consolation.

Condolence is the conveyance of grief and lament for the loss. It is expressing appreciation of the deceased with words of praise and respect. It is giving voice to commiseration, compassion, empathy with the mourners. It may include a ziduk hadin, that God in His infinite mercy and wisdom took this precious soul.

Then there are feelings of guilt, sorrow and regret for lost opportunities on the part of the mourner to exhibit more love, concern for the deceased. For this there is no consolation, and the mourner wishes, “If only there were another chance.”

Consolation gives the mourner hope and courage to survive the anguish, as well as assurance that normal life will emerge with time and that the consoler and others are ready to assist in every way possible.

But why do we fail in our desire and effort to bring true nechama to mourners? We recite or read the words “haMakom yenachem.” Some say it clearly, others just mumble. It is a prayer or a blessing, but not consolation. The mourner may respond “amen” or “thank you.” No one responds “nechamtoni” – “you comforted me.”