Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Many years ago, when I was going through a terrible situation, I wrote to you and your input, advice and resources helped me and convinced my husband to give me a get. Although this saved us from further abuses, I did not get the psychological counseling you had recommended and, as a result, my daughter was emotionally damaged. Unfortunately, she married a man very much like her father. She had been warned about his anger issues and I did voice my objections when they were dating, but to no avail. She insisted we were all wrong. She was clearly infatuated with him and insisted that he was very caring and respectful to her. In the end, there was nothing I could do but give in and allow her to marry him, although I did so with a heavy heart.
It didn’t take long before before he struck her because she got pregnant when he had told her they should not have children for the first two or three years. My daughter called me from behind a locked bedroom door, terrified and not knowing what to do. I rushed to her apartment and rang her bell. She opened the door and greeted me with a swollen eye and bruised cheek still red from the blow and, as her husband stood behind her smiling, said all was resolved and I shouldn’t worry; she would call me in the morning. She called the next day, as promised, but each time I alluded to the previous night’s incident, she veered away from the subject and said everything was resolved, he had apologized and promised it would never happen again. But of course it did, many times over. There were many other incidents of physical and emotional abuse, but she wouldn’t hear of leaving him.
Fast forward fourteen years and five children later. My daughter and her kids have moved in with me. Her husband has disappeared, after cleaning out their accounts and leaving her with a mountain of debts and no health insurance. While I have reached out to their creditors and the schools to ensure that payments are made, my greatest worry is for my two oldest grandchildren who bore a great deal of the abuse from their father. The eldest child, a girl, is grossly underweight and I have seen deep scratch marks on her upper arms and legs. It took some time, but she did confide in me that her father had called her all sorts of names – ugly, fat, pig and the like – and that she throws up after she eats even the tiniest bit of food.
The second, a boy, has behavioral issues. He strikes out at anyone within arms’ reach, throws objects and screams at the top of his lungs until he is spent. There is little I can do for him as he does not let me near him. He blames my daughter and me for having sent his father away, even though his father beat him mercilessly with a belt, broom stick, or whatever else was at hand.
Mrs. Bluth, I am trying so hard to keep my family together, but the work is never-ending, the pain and damage is everywhere, and I am so tired. I have gone back to work to be able to support my daughter’s and grandchildren’s physical needs, but emotionally I’m ill equipped. Please tell me what to do; this time, I will listen.
Dear Friend,
You are carrying a burden far too great for one person. That you are physically, mentally and emotionally spent is no mystery. So take heart and know that there are many wonderful people ready to help your daughter and her children. You have enough on your plate trying to keep your family financially afloat.
The first thing you need to address is the mental health of the two oldest children who are clearly in need of psychological or psychiatric attention immediately. You would be wise to arrange therapy for the three younger ones as well; they will most surely benefit from unlearning the negative and destructive behavior they have been exposed to. The same holds true for your daughter, who must deal with the abuse she experienced at both her father and husband’s hands. Dysfunction left untreated begets more dysfunction. This may be a lengthy process, but well worth it for the wellbeing of your family.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me for any help you need and I will try to put you in touch with the proper individuals best able to assist you. May Hakodosh Boruch Hu give you the strength to persevere and lead your children and grandchildren to a place of peace and good health and may you see much nachas, joy and happiness.