web analytics
September 1, 2015 / 17 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


A Reader Offers Shidduch Advice

Respler-Yael

Despite my comments thus far, I feel that writing a column lamenting the situation does not really help. Those deficient in common sense will read this article and, due to their lack of self-awareness, miss the fact that it pertains to them. It is usually the one lacking a certain trait who is more oblivious than the one who possesses that trait. For example, after my engagement I complained to someone that it is hurtful to singles when people are pushy. Without any hesitation, this person responded, “Some people need to be pushed.” A seeming case of judge, jury and executioner!

So what is the solution? In all situations, people should always think before they speak. People should ask themselves: Will my words be hurtful to the listener? Will my actions be misinterpreted? Are my opinions helpful or harmful?

This is not an earth-shattering idea. Perhaps a simple “what not-to-do list” would be helpful for both singles and shadchanim. I hope it would help them determine whether their actions are making things easier or harder for others.

 

Here’s the list:

Don’t hesitate: People sometimes feel that they should not mention a shidduch because they are not a professional shadchan and thus will not be taken seriously. They may also fear that the person will look down at them if the shidduch is seemingly misguided. The reality is that the guys and girls are responsible to diligently research shidduch prospects and should be thankful that someone took the time to think of them. And there is no correlation between a professional shadchan or an amateur one in the success rate of shidduchim.

Don’t judge: Just because someone is single (for however long), do not draw conclusions as to the reason why. Hashem has many reasons for His actions, reasons unbeknownst to us. So if you have an idea for a single and want to mention it, please find it in your heart to remove your preconceived judgments. Then pick up the phone and make the call.

Don’t harass: If someone says “no” to your suggested shidduch, it’s okay to gently offer more clarification about your idea, but leave it at that. Trust the person’s judgment and accept his or her answer.

Don’t offer unsolicited advice: The single needs you to be a matchmaker, not a therapist. Unsought advice comes across as demeaning and condescending. Think of the mother of a single who, while trying to enjoy someone else’s simcha, is subjected to hurtful questions as to why her child is still single.

Don’t sit still: If you have an idea that may help someone, call or e-mail him or her. Do not approach singles when you happen to bump into them at a wedding or in shul.

Don’t ignore: If someone was kind enough to mention a name to a single, it is his or her obligation to get back to the person with an answer. This rule – a basic courtesy – also applies to shadchanim.

Don’t assume: Please listen to what a single desires in a mate. Do not assume that the single requires a certain type of partner based on your assessment of the single and/or the single’s family.

Don’t elaborate: If a match you’ve arranged is running it’s course and one party is uninterested, do not convey that fact to the other party if it was told to you in confidence.

I urge Jewish Press readers to take this list to heart. In the zechus of exhibiting greater sensitivity toward others, may Hashem reward us kindly and may the shidduch crisis be a thing of the past.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Respler will be on 102.1 FM at 10:00 pm Sunday evenings after Country Yossi.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “A Reader Offers Shidduch Advice”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Education Minister Naftali Bennett, welcomes students on their first day, in Raanana.
2.2M Israeli Children Return to the Classrooms
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo

The flag had been taken down in the aftermath of the Charleston shooting and was now back and flying.

South-Florida-logo

A light breakfast of coffee and danishes will be available during the program.

South-Florida-logo

A variety of glatt kosher food will be available for purchase at Kosher Korner (near Section 1).

South-Florida-logo

Jewish Press South Florida Editor Shelley Benveniste will deliver a talk.

Corey Brier, corresponding secretary of the organization, introduced the rabbi.

The magnificent 400-seat sanctuary with beautiful stained glass windows, a stunning carved glass Aron Kodesh, a ballroom, social hall, and beis medrash will accommodate the growing synagogue.

Even when our prayers are ignored and troubles confront us, Rabbi Shoff teaches that it is the same God who sent the difficulties as who answered our prayers before.

I’ve put together some of the most frequently asked questions regarding bullies, friendship and learning disabilities.

His parents make it clear that they feel the right thing is for Avi to visit his grandfather, but they leave it up to him.

There is a rich Jewish history in this part of the world. Now the hidden customs are being revealed, as many seek to reconnect with their roots.

There are times when a psychiatrist will over-medicate, which is why it’s important to find a psychiatrist whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

On November 22, 1963, Abraham Zapruder created one of the most famous, and valuable, pieces of film and became forever linked with one of the greatest American national tragedies when he stood with his camera on an elevated concrete abutment as President John F. Kennedy’s motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza in Dallas. Exhibited here is […]

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-082815

There are times when a psychiatrist will over-medicate, which is why it’s important to find a psychiatrist whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

Respler-082115

Dr. Yael Respler is taking a well-deserved vacation this week and asked Eilon Even-Esh to share some thoughts with her readers in her stead.

My husband is a great guy and very loving – except when things don’t go his way.

A great portion of mental illness stems from a defect in the body.

Personally I wish that I had a mother like my wife.

Why should any girl deserve to end up with a guy who can’t even think straight?

Women don’t often realize they are being abused, especially if the abuse is emotional rather than physical.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/a-reader-offers-shidduch-advice/2014/03/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: