Dear Dr. Yael,
I am a frequent reader of your column and appreciate the advice you give the letter writers. I would like your suggestions on how to handle this situation.
We have a husband who likes to control things – everything from the amount of money his wife is allowed to spend to what she cooks and how she cooks it. There are times when he will even send her out of the kitchen and do the cooking himself.
On Chol Hamoed, he will spend the day sleeping on his chair after telling his wife to take the kids out and make do with the small amount of money he decided to give her.
In addition, he complains all the time about how tired he is because of his weight (his doctor told him a long time ago to lose weight and he refuses) and how much work he is doing.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
As it is unclear as to whether you are writing about yourself or someone you know, and a lot has been left out, we will make general suggestions.
On the issue of money, it is possible that the husband may not be able to provide for his family, as he believes he should – this insecurity could be there even if he brings home a nice salary.
Unfortunately, living a frum life today with yeshiva tuition, Yom Tov, Shabbat and every day expenses can take its toll even on those who bring home a great deal of money.
Is it possible for the wife to go to work? If not, she should try to make him feel good about himself regardless of his ability to make a good parnassah.
As for the weight issue, he might lack self-control in his eating habits. There is also not much an outside person can do about that – even his wife. What she can do is build his self-esteem and help him to feel better about himself. This should make him want to take better care of himself.
What will be most helpful in this situation is for the wife to change her perspective. Instead of seeing her husband as an overweight, tired, and cranky person, she needs to look at his good points and help him use his strengths. Continuing to point out his weaknesses is just hurtful and will damage the relationship.
It is also possible that this husband is attempting to compensate for his lack of success by being overly controlling with his wife. In a relationship, we can never change the other person, we can only change ourselves. However, many times when we change how we act and react, we will begin to see a change in the other person as well and the relationship will improve. Unless this husband is abusive (which just on the face of it doesn’t seem to be the case), the wife can help change her husband by changing her own reactions. We call this “moves and countermoves”. Changing your countermove can change the entire scenario. Let’s use this situation as an example:
The husband comes home from work upset and feeling insecure and his wife, picking up on his negativity, complains that she can’t buy more clothing or something to decorate the house with. The husband then gets angry and yells and says he won’t be giving her any money. The wife then cries and says she never gets any money and he’s so stingy and uncaring.
However, what if the wife changes how she reacts or the husband changes how he acts or reacts? Let’s look at both possible scenarios.
Wife changes her countermove (how she reacts): The husband comes home from work upset and feeling insecure and his wife, picking up on his insecurity (notice her change in perspective, which can help her change how she reacts, which can change the whole situation), gives him a big smile and says, “Hi! How was your day? It’s so nice to see you! I have a delicious dinner waiting for you.”
The husband will likely be surprised, hopefully pleasantly, and will act in a much nicer way. Perhaps a good conversation will ensue and the relationship will have a positive experience.
Husband changes his countermove: The husband comes home from work upset and feeling insecure and his wife, picking up on his negativity, complains that she can’t buy more clothing or something to decorate the house with. The husband realizes that his wife is probably picking up on his negativity and decides to change his response. He says, “I wish I can give you more because you deserve the world! Maybe you can find something for Yom Tov that doesn’t cost so much, but makes you feel special. I would love to buy more stuff for you and hope in the future I’ll be able to do so.”
The wife will likely feel extremely valued and validated and, hopefully, will change her reaction and a pleasant conversation can then ensue. This can only benefit the relationship in the long run.
As you can see, changing your perspective and your reaction can go a long way! It’s hard to continue a fight or start a fight with someone who is being pleasant or validating. Often in therapy it is working on using positive countermoves that can be most helpful. I have seen much success even when it was only one half of the couple making a change in his or her countermoves.
I wish you and this couple much hatzlocha and hope that this New Year will bring them much happiness and success!