Dear Dr. Yael:
I am writing to you about a great shidduch story I heard.
A few years ago a young girl got lost driving back to Lakewood with a car full of girls. She stopped at a gas station where she saw a car full of frum boys.
She asked the driver for directions to get back to Lakewood. He spoke to her for a bit and then gave her his GPS in order to get home safely. They made arrangements to return it to him and went their separate ways. The boy was impressed with the girl and when he got home, he asked his mother to find out about her.
It turns out that this girl had been mentioned to his mother, but for whatever reason, she had not pursued the match. Now she did and they were soon engaged and married.
This story is truly a sign of Hashem’s direct intervention. Every shidduch is a miracle; however, in this instance the miracle was more obvious. It should also make us think. As mothers, what are we looking for when a girl’s name is mentioned? Many mothers are overwhelmed with resumes and say that after a while the girls all sound the same – but how many girls are being cast aside for frivolous reasons? How many potential shidduchim are not coming about because we, the mothers, are not allowing them to go through? Dr. Respler, maybe you can share some points as to what you think we should be doing differently.
A Reader
Dear Reader,
Thank you for sharing this story. During this time of year, when we celebrate the many miracles that occurred years ago, we have to appreciate the day-to-day miracles taking place all around us.
This story also teaches us an important point you noted. Shidduchim are so difficult today for both girls and boys. Ultimately, finding a young man or woman who has good middos and will make a good spouse is the most important thing one should be looking for. Although I know everyone says that he or she is looking for middos, I am not certain they are always first on the list of priorities.
Here are some ways one can do proper research when it comes to middos:
1. A great place to start is speaking to people who were with him or her in camp, seminary, or yeshiva dorms. It is very difficult, and quite rare, for a person to be able to hide his or her true essence from people he or she lives with, thus speaking to present or former roommates of a prospective shidduch can give you good insight into who that person really is.
2. Try to read between the lines. Sometimes when someone answers evasively or tells you that he or she doesn’t really know the person – and you know he or she definitely does– it can be a red flag.
3. Sometimes it is what is not said that is important. In addition, try to focus on any lack of enthusiasm and ascertain if there is something the other party is not telling you that you really need to hear. This would be the time to ask specific questions that will help you get to the bottom of what the issue.
4. Try to find someone who knows the person you are asking about, but is closer to you than he or she is to the prospective shidduch. Most people will be honest with people they care about.
I have found that looks are very important to the boys today. What’s important to remember is that “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” Sometimes, a person can be gorgeous, but if he/she doesn’t have inner beauty, that outer beauty will fade very quickly. Of course it is imperative that one be attracted to his or her spouse; however, most times a young person can be attracted by someone’s kindness, personality, caring – all things that are not apparent in a picture. I am not against pictures per se, but we also have to let people meet and make their own decisions. Money, looks, and yichus will not buy happiness, but a girl/boy who is a giving, caring, and loving person can bring happiness to a marriage.
In the spirit of Chanukah, it would be a true miracle to help solve this shidduch crisis. We need to help young men and women, as well as their parents, realize what is important in a marriage partner. While it is difficult to support young couples when they first get married, we cannot base shidduchim on money or what the other side will give.
The world of shidduchim has changed drastically over the past decade or so and we have to all take a step back and figure out what went wrong. I do not have the answer; however, if we can begin to focus on the important things, maybe we will be able to solve this issue. May we all merit to see more miracles in our times.
Hatzlocha!