Dear Dr. Yael,
I have been reading your column for a long time and hope that you can be of some assistance to me. I have been married for just a couple of years and have one child. My husband is a great guy and very loving – except when things don’t go his way; then he throws a fit. That causes me to cry and become defensive.
He says my crying makes him feel like an ogre. He has never abused me and I am not afraid of him, but I am nervous about the future. How can I get him to control his anger? He is reluctant to go for therapy, as he thinks we are just having simple arguments that we can resolve. Dr. Respler, I am not sure if that is true.
Thanking You In Advance
Dear Friend,
First let me say that you are not alone; so many people today come to therapy because of a difficult spouse – and it’s not always the husband causing the issue. Unfortunately, many people who are in therapy are there to learn how to deal with other people who need to be in therapy. However, those people very often believe that there is nothing wrong with their behavior and it is the other person who has the issue.
If your husband is not willing to admit that he has a problem, therapy may not be an option – for him. You, on the other hand, would greatly benefit from therapy so you can learn how to respond to his anger. Therapists often talk about changing the “script” or countermoves. These methods help people find another way to respond to a spouse or parent, and this very often causes the spouse or parent to change his or her behavior as well.
For example, you mention that you cry and become defensive when he gets angry and that makes him feel like an ogre. I know it can be difficult, but if you could calmly attempt to address the issue with helpful suggestions or just ignore his anger and take care of the problem, he may stop screaming. “When one answers softly, one stops the anger.” This means that someone who answers softly and calmly to someone who is angry will actually quiet the other person’s rage. Often when people yell at us they delight at our yelling back. When we answer calmly and rationally, we are stealing their thunder. They can’t say, “Oh, you see how crazy you are when you yell back at me,” because we are just responding with a very rational and calm countermove.
Sometimes you will even win an argument by speaking calmly when someone yells at you. The other person will feel ridiculous while you maintain control. However, you must be sincere and not sarcastic. Then even if the other person continues to shout, your calm response will probably make him or her feel guilty. One husband told me, “I felt like a fool after a while – it’s hard to fight with yourself!”
Your husband sounds like a loving and caring man who has issues with anger. It appears that he regrets his outbursts since he does apologize. The first step to getting help is admitting that there is a problem. His apologies indicate some awareness of that. If that is the case, he may welcome an opportunity to find a way to deal effectively with his anger. You changing the way you react may present a perfect opportunity to speak with him about therapy and how much of a difference it is making in your relationship.
I know that you are suffering greatly from this problem, but, trust me, he is probably stressed as well. Like one of my clients said, “I actually learned to deal differently with my spouse and it changed our whole relationship!”
You say that you are not afraid of your husband; I hope it stays that way. If chas v’shalom that ever changes, you must immediately seek help.
I wish you hatzlocha and please realize that seeking the right help with the proper therapist only make you a stronger person and more able to deal with this challenging situation.