Dear Dr. Yael:
I love your column and the way in which you deal with all kinds of issues. However, I do not believe you ever dealt with my issue.
I am happily married with married children. Sounds great? However, one of my married children, a daughter, decided to move into our home with her husband and five children. They are doing construction on their home and will save money by not renting an apartment.
For my daughter this situation is great. We have a large home, though there is only one kitchen. There is plenty of room for everyone to sleep, but suddenly I am expected to make dinner every night and babysit. I have become a full-service hotel.
Our relationship is good, but I am still afraid to set boundaries. The house is a mess. I am constantly cleaning up after the children – and the adults. I am exhausted and they moved in just a few weeks ago.
A friend had a similar situation with her children; however, she set boundaries which she said helped her stay sane. It might have been easier for her because it was her son who moved in with his wife and children, and a daughter-in-law is generally more careful and considerate. It could also be that my friend has a stronger personality than I do and she literally drew up a contract with conditions that the family had to abide by in order to live in her home.
I, on the other hand, feel very stuck. I can’t seem to say anything and I do not know what to do. I know that if I keep it all in, I may become resentful, but I also don’t know what to say to my daughter or how to say it. Please advise me how best to deal with this situation so that our relationship does not get damaged in the process.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is wonderful that you are giving your daughter and her family a place to stay while they are under construction, but you are correct that you have to set some boundaries so you can maintain your positive relationship with your daughter. If you just continue the way you are, you will likely say something you do not mean in a moment of frustration, which can be a lot more harmful than if you say something in a respectful and calm manner. If you feel that you are not ready to do this on your own, perhaps your husband can help you. Ask your daughter when it is a good time to talk with her and her husband. Once you have a time that works for all of you, tell your daughter how much you love her and how happy you are to have her with you at this time. Explain that while you love having her and the family so close by, you feel you need some help with the household chores.
Perhaps you can use the time to come up with a plan of action. You can take turns making dinner and straightening up the house. Be careful not to accuse; use “I feel” messages or just make it “your fault.”
For example, you can say something like, “I know that I am a little bit of a neat freak, so it’s hard for me when the house is not as neat as it usually is. I know that you have five children, so it makes it more difficult for you to keep the house the way I am used to, but if we can just try to clean up after the kids it would be very helpful. I know it’s not easy for you and the kids to be out of your own home, so I want to make this stay as pleasant as possible. This means that we have to be able to talk about what is bothering us in a loving and calm manner. This is not easy for me because I love you both and want to do everything I can to make you happy, but I know that I’m not as young as I used to be and that if I don’t ask for help, I may overdo it.” This will help open up the conversation and, hopefully, keep the lines of communication open throughout your daughter’s stay.
It is also very important for you to be open to anything that your daughter brings up as well. While this will likely be a tricky time for you, remember that it is a tremendous chesed for your daughter – and that it is only temporary. Furthermore, try to enjoy this precious time that you have with your grandchildren.
If possible, hire some extra help. If you can have someone else pick up after the kids, it won’t be as hard or as frustrating for you. This will give you more opportunities to enjoy your children and grandchildren without the pressure of having to clean up so often. It will also make it easier on your daughter and help her get through this time as well. Hatzlocha!