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Dear Dr. Yael,

Baruch Hashem I have been blessed with a number of daughters-in-law. While I do my best to get along with all of them, there is one with whom I have difficult relationship.   I try to be very generous with my children and this daughter-in-law is no exception. I try to get the grandchildren gifts for Yom Tov and I will sometimes buy my children and children-in-law something as well. I am available for babysitting when possible and I try to be pleasant when I visit. However, no matter what I do, I never seem to do anything right with this daughter-in-law and I find the situation very painful. She is often short with me and it seems like whatever I do annoys or upsets her.

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My son seems to have changed; he is very quiet when I am around and always takes his wife’s side against me. I am not trying to cause any shalom bayis issues and I am happy that my son and his wife are close, I just don’t understand what they have against me. I have tried talking to my son about the situation, but I feel like it has only made things worse as he repeated what I said to his wife and it only upset her more.

I do not have these issues with my other children or children-in-law and, while I am sure that I may have made some mistakes, they seem more willing to forgive and forget. I know that I am not perfect, but I do try to be a good mother and mother-in-law and it hurts me to have friction with one of my children. What can I do to help this situation?

A Mother-in-Law in Despair

 

Dear Mother-in-Law In Despair,

I do not have all of the information, so it’s difficult for me to have an accurate picture. However, I will try to give you some ideas and insight into the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship that you might find helpful.

For years people assumed that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law “have a troubled relationship,” but this does not have to be and often is not accurate. Many daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law have a wonderful relationship. One of the most important aspects of this relationship is to not have any expectations. If both parties do not expect anything, then whatever is given physically, verbally or emotionally will be a pleasant surprise.

The biggest issue between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is often miscommunication, which can lead to friction over nothing. For example, perhaps a mother-in-law does not want to step on any toes, so when she comes to her daughter-in-law, she stays out of the kitchen. This can be misconstrued by the daughter-in-law as being unhelpful. However, another daughter-in-law may appreciate having her space in the kitchen without someone breathing down her neck.

There are some mothers-in-law who are very helpful in the kitchen and will also assist in the serving and cleaning off.   There are daughters-in-law who may see this as being overbearing or interfering, whereas another daughter-in-law may see it as extremely helpful. The lesson here is not that a mother-in-law can never win, rather, that the same action can be perceived very differently depending on the people involved.

Here we have two people coming from different backgrounds and perspectives – brought together as mother and daughter. The key to a successful relationship is as we said earlier: being open and less sensitive, and not having expectations.

Because there has already been some friction between you and your daughter-in-law, your situation has become more complicated. The best thing to do is to try to set up a time when you can speak to your daughter-in-law without anyone else around. Taking her out to her favorite restaurant or cafe could be helpful. You can be honest about how you feel, but make sure to be sweet and use a loving tone. It would be prudent to think about what you want to say and practice it beforehand so you do not come off defensive. This should not be an accusatory conversation; the goal is to begin anew with the lines of communication open. You may want to start off by saying, “I know that you and I have not had an easy beginning, but I really want to have a good relationship with you and I was hoping that we could start over. If there is something that I can do to make you more comfortable in my presence, please let me know and I will try to make the change.”

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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.