Lawyer tactics should not affect a desire to reconcile, as moving forward with forgiveness is key to any area of life. However, for many lawyers the short term benefits of wasting money are trumped by the long term benefits of callous destruction.
Lawyers scare their clients, telling them that unless they do things that they would never even consider in their normal state, they will lose custody or not have money to provide their children.
One custody advocate whose websites were later shut down by the FBI, counseled religious people to use mandatory arrest laws to report their spouses close to Friday night for maximum effect, so that bail would take days to arrange. Is this something that the accusing spouse will be proud of? It certainly can’t help their long term relationship with their children, the precise reason given by lawyers for parents to resort to such tactics in the first place.
These tactics damage those who resort to them far more than they damage the spouse who is targeted.
Here’s what divorcing couples should concern themselves with – a child will not appreciate that an obscene legal tactic was used to incarcerate a parent because the other spouse needed to secure custody. I know that many lawyers will disagree with this. That’s why no one asks divorce lawyers for educational and child rearing advice. They’re also of little use when a din v’cheshbon is given before Hashem.
There’s a simpler point too. Divorce is a hardship. During any time of hardship, a person needs Hashem’s blessings, which are brought forth by following the Torah. Resorting to such tactics does the exact opposite.
It used to be the policy of most Batei Din to insist upon counseling before any couple considered divorce. In many circles, this is no longer the case, which is not just a shame but a crisis in leadership.
All in all, Judaism demands higher standards, such as reliance on Hashem instead of on lawyers’ tricks. Adhering to these standards at a time when one is tested the most is not only key to remaining a proper human being, it also saves someone from pain afterward. Lastly, there’s been a recent increase in blogging against people during divorces. Commenting on any divorce almost invariably involves nothing more than false and idle gossip. Decisions need to be made by well-versed poskim and professionals.
Idle gossip has always been a problem. The Torah forbids us from partaking in it or to believe it if we’re unfortunate enough to hear it. A while ago, such gossip was at least contained to the chattering classes of one city and frowned upon. Today, with the help of the Internet, such slander is promulgated worldwide by wrongheaded individuals who think that they’re doing the work of Heaven.
The Talmud Yerushalmi (Peah 1:1) mentions that the act of lashon hara itself kills three people, including the one who hears it. This is all the more so when it comes to rechilus (tale bearing) and motzi shem rah (false slander). It says that the Second Bais HaMikdash was destroyed because of unwarranted hatred. Being careful about slander and working to limit, not increase divorce, serves to hasten Hashem’s promise to build the third and eternal Beis HaMikdash. Let us strive to take part in its hastening, just as we pray for it to be rebuilt three times a day.