web analytics
July 24, 2014 / 26 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Stop Beating Yourself Up

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

George is 58, happily married (more accurately, satisfied enough in his marriage and not planning on going anywhere), a super achiever, at the top of his career and stuck on getting approval from everyone in his life – except his wife and children who’ve learned to accept his workaholic, frenzied state.

Both Cindy and George manage life but the disdain that lives within is akin to breathing – involuntary and sustaining. They simply know no other form of living. They process every moment through a lens that pulls the rug out from under them, constantly deploying personal attacks.

It began for both of them during their formative years. Childhood is a tapestry of complicated threads that form indomitable fabric. When loved, we are fed messages of warmth and eventually, our own minds take over the voice of our parents, and the fabric is one expectant of love, inside and out. But when unloved, our minds have no choice but to adopt a voice of disdain. Simply, we are taught about ourselves and our world when we are too little to evaluate the truth of it all. It leaves some of us emotional winners and others losers.

Often, parenting is what we do when we are not thinking. We wish our children only heard us at our clearest, rested, well fed moments. But much of what we learned in our childhood was gleaned from the reactions of our parents. How they responded to life’s complications and our behavior told us what they truly thought of us. Whether our parents were “good” or “bad” people is not at issue; only that little kid’s severely limited perception of what came her way is what counted.

Like Cindy and George, too many of us walk around with unwarranted negative chatter in our heads. It doesn’t mean we’re never wrong or don’t need a good internal kick in the pants every now and then. But it does mean that there are others who felt loved as children that approach every second of life with an attitude of internal kindness, softening every blow and understanding that as humans we are imperfect.

So if you are one of those people whose friends like you a whole lot more than you like yourself, it’s time to sort things out. Looking back will explain the story you developed about yourself. Honestly assessing your childhood as best you can will give you the information you need to discover that story. Regardless of what your parents meant to do, you created a belief about yourself based on what you were given. That belief is likely untrue and now as an adult you have a choice: be your parents’ child or be yourself.

It’s a tough decision because most people would rather not take a look under the hood. They’d rather keep refilling the oil than get dirty trying to find and repair the leak. Usually, it takes an event or life crisis that drains the oil so fast, we have little choice but to dig deeper. Once you can be honest about your past, you can be honest with yourself. There are, of course, many parts of every childhood that likely gave us incredible skills and often the same parent has taught us positive and negative lessons about ourselves. It’s up to you to change the ill-conceived notions that you are in any way less than the rest of humanity.

Sadly, there is no simple “change my past” pill. Perhaps you can go back to your parents and get some of those missing hugs? Won’t work. Usually, those hugs aren’t even available now and even if they were, they can’t undo the past. Ironically, searching for emotional hugs from them now is giving away yet more control over your internal self. Trying to change the past by doing anything “outside” of you won’t get the job done.

The real answer is to “parent” yourself. It does sound a bit poetic and it’s meant to be vague because it means various things to different people. But the intention is always the same: feed yourself the messages you should’ve heard as a child. It’s easier in concept than you think. If you have a child or a loved one, consider the messages you send to them and start telling yourself the same. It’s hard to do, because let’s face it, you don’t like yourself nearly as much as the ones you love.

You literally have to create a structured time every morning and night to nurture yourself. It begins with positive statements – whether said aloud to yourself, written in a journal or both. It then requires you to put on a new lens, the one that sees you as a deserving person like everyone else in your life, and plan your day as if you were this person. Your day will immediately change as you are forced to take care of yourself. If you miss even one day, you’re supporting the automatic voice that is your childhood. With consistency, you will eventually becoming the deserving person you’ve chosen to be and it will largely replace the older version. It takes exhausting effort; but not nearly as much effort as critiquing your every move. The choice can be yours, finally.

 To receive discounts on Gary’s Creating Your Best Marriage 11 DVD set program, go to NeumanMethod.com and use coupon code Jewishpress.

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Stop Beating Yourself Up”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
U.S. President Barack Obama
FAA Ban on Flights to Israel ‘Worse than BDS’
Latest Sections Stories
book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

book-I-Kings

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

book-Unify-A-Nation

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

“Have you forgotten your dreams?” The Hope Merchant asks a defeated and hopeless Lily when she “happens” upon his shop.

The universe was created by God out of nothing; it has not always existed.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Spoiler Alert: Going to see the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”, starring Tom Hanks is not like going to Disney World. Well, it is like going to Disney World if you go mid-August with your triplet toddlers, feed them all cotton candy, and lose your car because you forgot you parked in Pluto 7.394. It’s not a happy Disney movie.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back.

The therapeutic alliance has always been about a firm connection between patient and counselor. There has always been one primary standard – physically meeting in an office setting. There might be some phone calls in between sessions or to bridge some vacation gap. But therapy has always been about a feeling of connectivity and there is no better way to do this than face-to-face.

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

As adults who were children of divorce know, healing does not occur through time alone. In fact, my research found that only 46% said they had a positive relationship with their fathers as adults.

Stacy and Michael walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only fired up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning for therapy.

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

There are millions of adults today who experienced the trauma of their parents’ divorce 20, 30, 40 or more years ago. Some have found closure, but many more have not. Regrettably, it is a time in a child’s life that is never forgotten. It stays with you; it is part of who you are.

    Latest Poll

    Israel's Iron Dome Anti-Missile System:





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/stop-beating-yourself-up/2013/09/18/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: