web analytics
August 4, 2015 / 19 Av, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


The Nose Knows: The Issue That Lingers

Respler-032114

Dear Readers:

Here is my response to two letters to the editor, published in the March 14 issue which were critical of my column, The Nose Knows:

 

Both letters expressed dismay and a feeling of shame at being part of a society that seems very focused on outward appearances.

As a frum woman, I agree with both of you.  Unfortunately, though, I live in a very tough, real world in which I don’t always see the best of our community.  This has made me very practical and realistic in my attempts to deal with a soaring divorce rate, a serious shidduch crisis and so many other ugly issues that I don’t even want to discuss here.

You ask why some men do not look beyond a woman’s nose or other superficial issues that are not germane to the substance of the woman’s character. Why are so many men seemingly very focused on a woman’s exterior?

This issue is not only prevalent in our community. Men are generally more sensitive to visual cues, while women are more sensitive to auditory cues. In fact, a study on newlyweds – Beyond Initial Attraction: Physical Attractiveness in Newlywed Marriage, by Benjamin Karney, professor of social psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA, found that husbands were more affected by their wives’ attractiveness than wives were by their husbands’. In the study’s sample, men who were married to more attractive wives were able to connect better with them than men who felt that their wives were not as attractive as they were.

I bring the results of this study to demonstrate that although in a frum world we should rise above the gashmius, unfortunately, we still live in a secular world in which we are affected by that gashmius.

As a marital therapist who has helped many singles through the marital process, I always try to help individuals look beyond superficiality and marry people whom they need to be with as opposed to people they want to be with in order to impress others.

Both letter writers felt that the Orthodox community should espouse higher values and not be susceptible to shallowness when it comes to choosing a spouse. I wish that were true, but my experiences indicates that your hopes are not in sync with reality.

Professionally, I always seek da’as Torah and never do anything without guidance from a rav that fits the needs of my clients. Again, idealistically I agree with you, but in order to help my clients reach the maximum level of happiness obtainable, I try my best to be as practical as possible in my practice.

Over the years I have had to be very firm with clients and their parents who are focused on issues like whether a boy wears a black hat or, if he does wear one, whether he always wears it or just sometimes. These concerns truly make me crazy.

There have been many girls whom I’ve helped get married to true bnei Torah who did not wear black hats but who were sincerely frum.

I once asked one of my chassidishe clients what type of shidduch she was seeking. She said that she wanted to marry a boy who wore white socks, which is a level of livush in the chassidishe world. I was speechless by her answer, for while I was focused on the importance of her need to find a shidduch with exemplary middos and overall character traits, she was clearly focused on other issues.

I am not minimizing the importance of one’s livush, which often reflects certain values that a person possesses. But there’s so much more to people than what they wear.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Respler will be on 102.1 FM at 10:00 pm Sunday evenings after Country Yossi.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

2 Responses to “The Nose Knows: The Issue That Lingers”

  1. Avis Johnson says:

    Could you be a bigger loser?

  2. Orah Peer says:

    jp you took -out my comment where i clearly said i agree with dr. Yael completely , but you leave an insulting comment from someone else.. who is the responsable for this?xD..

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Bibi conf call
Bibi: ‘Keep or Cheat,’ This Deal Will Give Iran the Bomb
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo

An impressive group of counselors and staff members are providing the boys and girls with a summer of fun and Torah learning and a lifetime of wonderful memories.

South-Florida-logo

Rabbi Sam Intrator recently led a summer program in Williams Island, located in Aventura. The event focused on how to find spiritual joy in Judaism. The rabbi cited biblical and Talmudic teachings, ancient Temple rituals, and the words of prayers to establish the role that love and positive thinking have in Torah values. Rabbi Intrator […]

South-Florida-logo

The Iranian deal was sealed on July 14, four and a half months after Netanyahu’s visit. The details of the agreement were shocking and worse than anyone had imagined.

There are so many toys available for newborn to age 5, but how do you choose?

In 1939, with life getting harder for Jews, she and several friends decided it was time to make aliyah, and applied at the Palestina Amt for permits.

I am not sure how many of you readers have had this experience, but I did and it truly tested the limits of my sanity!

Aside from my own 485-page tome on the subject, Red Army, I think Jamie Glazov did an excellent job at framing things in United in Hate: The Left’s Romance with Tyranny and Terror.

We studied his seforim together, we listened to famous cantorial masters and we spoke of his illustrious yichus, his pedigree, dating back to the famous commentator, Rashi.

Jews who were considered, but not ultimately selected, include Woody Allen, Saul Bellow, David Ben-Gurion, Marc Chagall, Anne Frank, and Barbra Streisand.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler

Why should any girl deserve to end up with a guy who can’t even think straight?

Women don’t often realize they are being abused, especially if the abuse is emotional rather than physical.

My children encouraged me to date and even set me up with a very special man.

It is very hard to build a healthy marriage when you do not have good role models.

When they all try to speak at once, I will ask them to stop and speak one at a time.

In America one has to either be very rich or impoverished to receive care – the middle class seems to get taken advantage of.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-nose-knows-the-issue-that-lingers/2014/03/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: