web analytics
January 29, 2015 / 9 Shevat, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


The Nose Knows: The Issue That Lingers

Respler-032114

Dear Readers:

Here is my response to two letters to the editor, published in the March 14 issue which were critical of my column, The Nose Knows:

 

Both letters expressed dismay and a feeling of shame at being part of a society that seems very focused on outward appearances.

As a frum woman, I agree with both of you.  Unfortunately, though, I live in a very tough, real world in which I don’t always see the best of our community.  This has made me very practical and realistic in my attempts to deal with a soaring divorce rate, a serious shidduch crisis and so many other ugly issues that I don’t even want to discuss here.

You ask why some men do not look beyond a woman’s nose or other superficial issues that are not germane to the substance of the woman’s character. Why are so many men seemingly very focused on a woman’s exterior?

This issue is not only prevalent in our community. Men are generally more sensitive to visual cues, while women are more sensitive to auditory cues. In fact, a study on newlyweds – Beyond Initial Attraction: Physical Attractiveness in Newlywed Marriage, by Benjamin Karney, professor of social psychology and co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA, found that husbands were more affected by their wives’ attractiveness than wives were by their husbands’. In the study’s sample, men who were married to more attractive wives were able to connect better with them than men who felt that their wives were not as attractive as they were.

I bring the results of this study to demonstrate that although in a frum world we should rise above the gashmius, unfortunately, we still live in a secular world in which we are affected by that gashmius.

As a marital therapist who has helped many singles through the marital process, I always try to help individuals look beyond superficiality and marry people whom they need to be with as opposed to people they want to be with in order to impress others.

Both letter writers felt that the Orthodox community should espouse higher values and not be susceptible to shallowness when it comes to choosing a spouse. I wish that were true, but my experiences indicates that your hopes are not in sync with reality.

Professionally, I always seek da’as Torah and never do anything without guidance from a rav that fits the needs of my clients. Again, idealistically I agree with you, but in order to help my clients reach the maximum level of happiness obtainable, I try my best to be as practical as possible in my practice.

Over the years I have had to be very firm with clients and their parents who are focused on issues like whether a boy wears a black hat or, if he does wear one, whether he always wears it or just sometimes. These concerns truly make me crazy.

There have been many girls whom I’ve helped get married to true bnei Torah who did not wear black hats but who were sincerely frum.

I once asked one of my chassidishe clients what type of shidduch she was seeking. She said that she wanted to marry a boy who wore white socks, which is a level of livush in the chassidishe world. I was speechless by her answer, for while I was focused on the importance of her need to find a shidduch with exemplary middos and overall character traits, she was clearly focused on other issues.

I am not minimizing the importance of one’s livush, which often reflects certain values that a person possesses. But there’s so much more to people than what they wear.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

2 Responses to “The Nose Knows: The Issue That Lingers”

  1. Avis Johnson says:

    Could you be a bigger loser?

  2. Orah Peer says:

    jp you took -out my comment where i clearly said i agree with dr. Yael completely , but you leave an insulting comment from someone else.. who is the responsable for this?xD..

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Soldiers carry injured comrades
Update on Wounded Soldiers’ Conditions
Latest Sections Stories
Resnick-012315-Artist

Nouril concluded he had no choice: He had to become more observant.

Respler-012315

I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that.

Here are some recipes to make your Chag La’Illanot a festive one.

Baim-012315

Does standing under the chuppah signal the end of our dream of romance and beautiful sunsets?

We aren’t at a platform; we are underground, just sitting there.

Dr. Lowy believed passionately in higher education for both men and women and would stop at nothing to assist young students in achieving their educational goals.

It’s almost pointless to try to summarize all of the fascinating information that Holzer’s research unearthed.

The special charm of these letters is their immediacy and authenticity of emotion and description.

Why is there such a steep learning curve for teachers? And what can we, as educators and community activists, do better in the educational system and keep first-year teachers in the job?

Teachers, as well as administrators, must be actively involved in the daily prayers that transpire at a school and must set the bar as dugmaot ishiot, role models, on how one must daven.

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

We love the food, the hotels, and even the wildlife. We love the Israelis.

Few traces remain of the glory days of Jewish life in the kingdoms of Sicily and Naples, but the demise wasn’t due to the eruption of nearby Mount Vesuvius. Rather it was a manmade volcano called the Edict of Expulsion from Spain – and not even an invitation to return in Shevat of 1740 could […]

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-012315

I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that.

Respler-011615

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

The Moroccan wife’s chief pride is showing that she ought to win the prize for the most attentive and solicitous spouse and mother.

Both parties need to become more tolerant of one another.

I think a major problem within the “single” community is the pressure to get married ASAP.

How many potential shidduchim are not coming about because we, the mothers, are not allowing them to go through?

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

Isn’t there anyone making a simcha who understands that loud music can cause hearing loss?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-nose-knows-the-issue-that-lingers/2014/03/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: