Sarah was impressed by his honesty and integrity in sharing that information with her. It was not such a big deal to her. She herself was quite near-sighted and needed glasses at a young age.
Both decided to go out a fourth time at which point her parents told the shadchan that before the dating could continue, they needed to iron out what could be the deal breaker – the issue of support. They would agree to two years, with them paying for one year. To get through the second year of his learning, Sarah was willing to use up a big chunk of the savings she had squirreled away. Shlomie and his parents were agreeable to the two year limit, assuring Sarah’s parents that by then Shlomie would have a degree that could lead to a job.
Sarah waited expectantly for when Shlomie would come home for Yom Tov. Several weeks later, Shlomie did – but there would not be another date.
Shlomie had told his rav of his plans to continue his learning for two more years. His rav insisted that this shidduch was not shiach (appropriate) – that Sarah was not the right shnit (fit) for him. He needed a girl who would encourage him to keep learning indefinitely.
And that was the end of the shidduch. Unfortunately, those involved don’t realize that the parents of a girl who have the financial ability to support a learner long term – who can dish out $40,000- $50,000 for five to 10 years – can pick and choose whom they want! They can turn down a gevaldig bochur (very impressive young man) with allergies for a gevaldig learner without allergies. They can refuse a Talmudic scholar who has a receding hairline or who is left-handed for one with a thick mane of hair or is right handed. They can reject a top boy just because of his eye or hair color. (I know of a blue-eyed girl who would only go out with blue-eyed boys to ensure her children would be blue-eyed).
Did the rav take into consideration that an in-town shidduch has amazing benefits to both the couple and their families? Did he take into account a girl’s parents’ list of unwavering requirements? Will they overlook an erliche boy like Shlomie because medically he is only 90% instead of 100%? And if they do accept Shlomie, will he end up spending most of his Yomim Tovim with his wife’s family because he “owes” them? Will he have to defer to a controlling in-law because he pays the bills? Will the out-of-town girl he married end up being irresponsible, spoiled or demanding, facts that were hidden due to her family’s influence?
Sadly, the message given by this rav is that girls who come from middle-class families aren’t in the running as their father must have a “Phd” (Poppa has dough); an “MBA” (a mediocre bank account) is not enough!
I recently read of a woman who on several occasions asked her rav advice regarding her learning-disabled child. There were times when the suggested therapy sessions would expose her son to non-frum children. Her rav voiced his opinion but always qualified it by saying, “This is what I feel you should do … but ultimately you know your child.”
The rav wisely gifted this confused mother with both his opinion as well as the freedom to choose what she intuitively felt would achieve the best outcome for her child. The rav gave the parent priceless permission to make potentially life altering decisions on her own.
Sadly, in this particular shidduch situation – and in too many others involving young people – this freedom is being stifled. The choice was made for them by others with their well-being in mind, but based on a narrower view of the whole picture.
