This husband is a sad example of a krim adult who was a victim of a super-controlling mother.
I firmly believe that it is essential for a teacher to ask parents she knows to be functional to invite these often sad and angry children for playdates, parties and Shabbat meals – even if they are not their child’s good friend or if the playdate will never be reciprocated.
When my children were young there was one neighborhood mom who would rarely initiate playdates because it meant her kids would mess up the playroom and she would have more work to do. This stay-at-home mother would buy take-out most of the time and use disposable dishes, yet, she always complained about how much cooking and cleaning she had to do. She also berated her husband for not cooking for the family like other husbands did – in her delusional mind, a neighbor who liked to barbeque every once in a while did all the cooking in his home.
Kids who seem shy or lack confidence might have just been born that way or their withdrawn personality may be indicative of problems at home, like being subjected to incessant criticism and belittling. These childrenneed invitations – even sleepovers if they are old enough – so they can get a brief respite from the verbal/emotional abuse they experience at home. Most importantly, they need to get the life-enhancing message that they are likeable, good and worthy of friendship. Crucial as well is exposing them to “normal” parenting and healthy spousal interactions. These miskainim may come from homes where one spouse is emotionally or physically abusive and, if not made aware of an alternate way of interacting, may grow up thinking this behavior is normal.
Many years ago I knew a young teen whose mother never came to her dance classes – in fact the girl was able to attend class on condition that she arranged her own transportation. Her mother felt that it was boring to watch a bunch of clumsy girls prancing around like idiots. I would assume this woman was a self-absorbed narcissist and perfectionist. Today, this woman shows no interest in her own child’s extra-curricular activities. Tragically, her parenting is based on the dysfunctional model she was exposed to.
For the children of the very krim, the love, encouragement and lashon tov of teachers, classmates and even neighbors may be the rare light in the darkness that will guide them onto the road of normalcy.
