Now that the holidays are over and you put on 50 pounds, it kind of gets you thinking that you ate too much. I for one have not thought about my weight until now. I was too busy devouring six course meals twice a day for the past month.
But now we can finally take a breath, – if our pants aren’t too tight – and start dieting. We have two months until Chanukah, when we put the weight back on. For those of you who need help, I bring you the new Jewish Diets, so that you can finally fit into your pants again.
The No Celebration Diet
Also known as the anti-Simcha diet, this is where you don’t go to any family functions. Skipping the Bar Mitzvah is a five-pound weight loss right there. The anti-Simcha diet may also label you an anti-Semite. The cousins will hate you, but you will take off weight simply by not sitting down to any meal that involves your Jewish family.
This didn’t work on Yom Kippur, because you ate six meals at once, right when the fast ended but it may be worth another try.
Very popular nowadays, this is where you fast for a certain amount of time each day. I say to start fasting for twenty minutes at a time. You want to work your way up. It’s about baby steps. If you ever get up to fasting between lunch and dinner, that will be a weight loss victory.
If you don’t like carrots turned sweet, this diet is for you. The idea is to pick food you don’t like to eat and eat those. For Sephardic Jews this is easy; serve them anything an Ashkenazi cooks and they will not eat it. Some Sephardim know this as the What Did Ashkenazim do to Fish Diet; diet consists of herring and gefilte fish.
The Chai Diet
Otherwise known as the 18 Minute Diet. You gorge for 18 minutes at a time. By not gorging for three hours twice a day, as you did for each day from Rosh Hashana through the holiday of Sukkot and Simchat Torah, you will lose weight.
Live in a Yeshiva Diet
If you are only around food that is unsightly, you will lose weight. The Israel Yeshiva Diet consists of schnitzel. Only schnitzel. The pureed chicken schnitzel and corn schnitzel. No full pieces of chicken in the schnitzel; that would be too enjoyable, and may cause you to eat.
The Aveilus Diet
This is diet of mourning, where you grieve the loss of the Temple and the jeans you can’t get into anymore.
The Kosher Travel Diet
Travel anywhere in the world outside of Israel and North America and you will starve. Not being able to find kosher food is the perfect backbone to any Jewish diet. Travel to Spain or China and you will take off your holiday weight in three days.
Be 20 Again Diet
Those kids didn’t get fatter over the holidays, how is that possible?! They eat and nothing happens. I am over 40. How do I put on weight? I go to the gym. That is why I don’t suggest working out. When I exercise, I get heavier.
The Chrein Horseradish Diet
Whatever you eat, make sure it makes you cry. It’s part inspiration and part shame.
The Borscht Diet
Many people say to drink lots of water in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help when you are taking down the required five pounds of daily brisket that Jewish law requires of you during the holiday season. This is why I bring you the Borscht Diet. Borscht somehow works better than fiber. If you drink enough borscht, you will want to live in Eastern Europe while eating nothing other than herring.
The Shmorg Diet
This is where you only eat off little plates, and there is nowhere to sit. I thought this was a good idea, but beware because eating while standing also gives you quicker access to the buffet. I have met many Jews that can fill up a little plate real fast.
Starve until Shabbos Diet
This is where you lose as much weight as you can during the week, and then Shabbat comes and you put it all back on.
Stare at the Food Diet
This is where you sit at the table and watch everybody else enjoy themselves on Shabbat. The idea is to make everybody else uncomfortable.
Start Another Diet Diet
This is the traditional diet where you gain weight after you finish the diet. Then, you start another diet and put on even more weight.
Wear One Less Layer
The scale is the real killer. Wearing an undershirt? Get rid of it. Shoes are heavy. Walk barefoot. That is a good few pounds right there. Think of it as if you are trying to get on a flight to Israel and your bag is overweight. Just make sure to pack your bags yourself.
Weigh Yourself in the Morning Diet
A surefire success, as you lose pounds overnight. All serious Jews live by this diet.
The Jewish Parent Diet
This is where you stay around your parents after the holiday, so that they can constantly tell you, “You are putting on weight.” The Biggest Loser has not tried using these motivators as weight lose coaches, as they don’t want to make the heavy people feel worse. There is enough crying on that show already. The Jewish parent may not know much about how to lose weight, but they care more than Jillian Michaels. The Jewish Parent Diet will be there to help you along the process of taking off the extra pounds while making you cry all at the same time.
The best part of this diet is that the Jewish parent during the holidays is force-feeding you potato kugel and tzimis. There are two steps to this diet: The Jewish parent forces you to eat a lot, and then they berate you for how much you have eaten.
I hope these diets are helpful for you. In theory, I would also suggest exercise, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Your Rosh Hashana resolution to hit the gym was broken before Yom Kippur.
The real goal here is to fit into your pants (or dress). For this reason, I suggest skipping all of these goals about a particular waist size. Instead, just buy elastic waist bands. They are comfortable and forgiving all at the same time. Just think, the next time holiday season rolls around, tight pants will be a thing of the past!