Four-Part Series For The Three Weeks
As we approach the Three Weeks which lead into Tisha B’Av, we can prepare ourselves by looking at some of the messages contained in the kinnos that we recite on that day.
In Kinnah #30, each stanza ends with the word “bayis,” and it describes the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash as being the loss of Hashem’s “bayis” (house). If we think about what a bayis really is, we understand that it’s more than just a structure. It’s a home, the place where we can be our true, genuine selves. We say that “Home is where the heart is” because our identity is often tied to our homes. The destruction of the Beis HaMikdash put an end to the bayis that we shared with Hashem. When that happened, we lost part of our nation’s identity. The Beis HaMikdash was central to Judaism and significant in our service of Hashem. Suddenly that was gone. We somehow had to find an alternate way to connect with Hashem, an inferior way. We grieve over this loss.
There’s another important aspect to a bayis: A home is a sanctuary, a haven from the turbulent world. This idea is behind the concept of shalom bayis, harmony in the home between the husband and wife. Unfortunately, when the shalom bayis is missing, the bayis itself is in danger. This is what happened with the Beis HaMikdash. Our constant breaking the “house rules” by not following the mitzvos led to a loss of shalom bayis in our relationship with Hashem. The harmony that once existed between us was gone, causing the demise of the bayis itself. The destruction of the Beis HaMikdash was tragic, but even more so because it signified a severing of our special relationship with Hashem.
The same danger applies in our mikdash me’at – the sanctuary of our own homes. The shalom bayis between a husband and wife is essential for the bayis to remain standing, figuratively speaking. So let’s take a minute to understand what shalom bayis really is.
Based on the translation of the words, many people would describe shalom bayis as there being peace in the home. With this definition, it would seem that shalom bayis exists only when there is no conflict, no disagreements. However, that condition of there being no disputes can come about when spouses don’t interact with each other, living separate lives. That type of home doesn’t represent what shalom bayis is about.
On the flip side, what about a home where the spouses voice their different viewpoints? This can certainly lead to disagreements. But to say that such a home automatically does not have shalom bayis wouldn’t be correct. So let’s step back and analyze shalom bayis a little more deeply.
In a shiur by Rabbi YY Jacobson, he discusses the two components to a marriage: love and respect. He says that the love aspect comes from sharing things in common. In fact, the gematria of ahava, the Hebrew word for love, is the same as echad, the number one, because love comes from feeling that you and the other person are one; that there is a likeness you share with that person. There is love in families because of the commonalities the family members share, such as their connected experiences, similar histories, and shared DNA.
The respect component of the relationship comes from appreciating the other person’s differences – when you admire, or at least accept, the qualities your spouse has that you don’t. Each spouse has his or her own temperament, attitudes, and opinions. When our spouse disagrees with our thoughts and feelings, perhaps they are just experiencing things differently.
Take the following story by way of analogy: A husband and wife are driving through the countryside. The wife looks out her window and comments on the beautiful scenery. To her dismay, the husband doesn’t share her appreciation for the picturesque landscape. The wife may feel frustrated that her husband doesn’t see things the way she does. But then the wife turns to look out of her husband’s window which is smeared with mud. The scene, which a moment ago looked idyllic, now appears drab and gloomy. The wife realizes that her husband wasn’t disagreeing with her opinion; instead, he was just looking out his own window.
And that’s how it is in relationships: Each person is looking out of their own window. They have their own viewpoint, based on their unique background, disposition, and experiences. They see things differently. My truth isn’t necessarily my spouse’s truth. And so rather than being upset that our spouse isn’t the same as us, we can take the time to learn about the differences and accept where the other person is coming from. That is what respect looks like.
With this in mind, I’d like to suggest that a better definition of shalom bayis, rather than “peace in the home,” would be “harmony in the home.” The word “shalom” comes from the Hebrew word shaleim, which means complete. Something is considered complete or whole when all the parts come together in a harmonious way. In music, harmony doesn’t come from the same note being played by multiple instruments, but rather when the instruments are playing different notes that complement each other. So too with shalom bayis, when we love the things that we have in common but also respect the areas where we differ.
If we work towards having shalom bayis in our homes, our mikdash me’at, hopefully that will be a step to restore our shalom bayis with Hashem, which will result in the rebuilding of the Beis HaMikdash.
