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Rosh Hashanah Resolutions

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Rosh Hashanah is here and that means it is time to make resolutions. Jews don’t make vows that we are have to annul next week. Instead, we make resolutions that we won’t follow.

Asides from knowing that the tradition is for all New Year’s resolutions to be based around saying that one will not eat chocolate, it is hard to figure out what else to resolute. Thus, I bring you a long list of possible Rosh Hashana Resolutions:

The “I Will Lose Weight” Resolution


I will eat healthy.

I will not eat chocolate.

I will not eat cake.

I will not eat.

I will purchase a gym membership.

I won’t show up to the gym.

Unfortunately, all of these are physically impossible because in order for them to happen, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month.

The “I Will Be More Successful” Resolution

I will ask for a raise. I won’t work harder. I will try to make more money by simply asking for it.

I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay, and I am an adult.

I will wear a suit and a tie.

I will lose my personality. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt.

I will wake up at 5am because a book said some wealthy people do that.

I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might also not eat chocolate.

The “I Will Have More “Me Time”’ Resolution

I will make this the year of me, as I need a year of no responsibilities to find myself.

I will go on more trips.

I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India.

I will go for me, without my kids.

I will get a better job that has more vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too.

I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me.

I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since my first child was born.

I will pamper myself. I will shop, for me, on me day. And I will write the novel I wanted to on me day. Thank you, Oprah.

The “I Will Be Less Annoying” Resolution

I will not chew with my mouth open.

I will not eat deli on the airplane – the sandwich I brought because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal.

I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli.

I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here.

I will not hit the seat in front of me on the plane. I am saying this on behalf of the person who always sits behind me.

I will appreciate other people more.

I will spend less time with other people.

I will be honest in business.

I will get ripped off by everybody.

We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfill the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground.

I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about them and lose all my friends. Telling them that I told spoke about their failed relationship and weight gain, they won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva.

I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again.

The “I Will Make Shul More Meaningful” Resolution

I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. This is a wise investment seeing as though I sit here for thirty-five hours over the High Holidays.

I will learn how to lead services. This Chazan is taking too long.

I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkor appeal. Especially if that enables me to submit suggested topics.

If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody.

I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season.

I will not eat chocolate for an entire year. OK how about until the break the fast after Yom Kippur.

Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even get a raise, while having more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Who are we trying to kid – enjoy the chocolate.

Shana Tova!


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