Dear Mrs. Bluth,
My problem, I’m ashamed to say, has to do with derech eretz and my inability to perform this mitzvah in my own home. I know that I should know better, being a bocher who is at the top of his class in yeshiva, however, it has become unbearable to keep a civil tongue or pretend not to notice.
Since the pandemic started, my grandparents came to stay with us so we could take care of them as they are older and my grandfather had surgery shortly before the lockdown just before last Purim. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Bubbie and Zeidy (my mother’s parents) because they have been a part of my life since I can remember, living a few blocks away from us. I don’t mind at all shopping for them, or doing errands whenever I am asked, however, something has changed.
My Bubbie was always dressed nicely and her shaitel was combed. Since they moved in with us, I noticed that her clothes had stains on them and she isn’t careful of how her shaitel sits on her head. But worst of all, she smells. I know this sounds terrible, but I can’t go near her without feeling like I’m going to gag and throw up when she hugs me. I know you’re thinking I should mention this to my mother who cares for her, but I think that she knows already. I have heard my mom try to tell her mother to change her dress, which she was wearing for the fourth day in a row, and my grandmother refused, arguing that it was still clean.
My siblings and I try to stay out of her way whenever we hear her coming downstairs to avoid hugging her. Her breath and body smell really bad. Please help me figure out what to do and how to avoid any confrontation without it appearing that I am avoiding her on purpose.
Dear Child,
From your letter, I assume that you are in your upper teens, of course I could be wrong. Whatever your age, you need a crash course in how to respectfully behave towards your elderly (or sickly) grandparents and to understand a thing or two about life. That’s not to say that I don’t feel for you or that I don’t understand your plight, however, to simply avoid your grandparents (your grandmother in particular) is both rude and crude. There may be some very good reasons why this is happening and why close attention and action may need to be taken.
You are in your teens and Bubbie is in the twilight years of life. She was not always seventy six years old, once upon a time she was your age and just beginning to experience life. Sadly, no one stays young forever, and if we’re lucky, we age gracefully with most of our brain cells intact, a few creaking and obstinate bone pains and a road map of wrinkles and gray hair to remind us we’re not nineteen anymore. You, on the other hand, cannot be faulted for not understanding this. If you are lucky, in about fifty years from now, you will.
There are many reasons why elderly people may stop looking after their bodily care, not on purpose, but because they genuinely don’t realize that they are neglecting themselves and that it is unhealthy. This may also be a sign that there may be a mental reason why this is so. Many older people show these character changes when they are suffering from the onset of Alzheimer’s disease, or the onset of Dementia or hardening of the arteries and brain. Perhaps it would be wise to ask your mother to take your Bubbie for a check up and testing. There are many drugs today to halt the progression of these ailments and a return to quality of life.
There is also another thing to consider as a cause for Bubbie’s behavior. She may be suffering from depression due to the severe restrictions the pandemic has placed on all of us, for the elderly it could be far worse as they don’t do well with change. There are many other reasons, too many to go into detail here, as to why this has happened, but you are correct in reasoning that the changes in Bubbie should be a reason for concern and attention. With professional help and medication she may well return to most of her old self.
Now you understand why we say ‘….Al tashlichainu le’ays ziknah.’ It’s hard letting go of our youth. It is often painful to reach old age. When you’re young you have wings and can fly (metaphorically), but somewhere during life we lose our wings and feathers and take on the appearance of a wrinkled, slow moving turtle (well, not all of us :). Enjoy your youth and take to heart the wisdom I have offered you. Have a talk with your mother and show her this column should she be skeptical. May you enjoy your youth for many years to come and then mature to a healthy and happy old age surrounded by your loved ones.