Dear Dr. Yael:
I like your very thoughtful, balanced response in the October 16 issue about tznius in our community. But it does seem to imply that the blame rests primarily on the husbands. From my perspective, this is a problem with single women as well – not something that can be blamed on the men in their lives.
I remember years ago when I started working on Madison Ave I would see Bais Yaakov-type girls on the train diving in to Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar and wondered why. Those magazines don’t represent our hashkafah. Why this incessant hunger to live up to their values?
Those young women are the mothers and grandmothers who are raising their children in the same fashion.
In addition, it is the boys in those homes who are taught this value and believe it is essential to find it in a mate – so those who don’t measure up are left behind.
The taavos of the street are bad enough without our society contributing to it. It is sad for our community and for the next generation.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Unfortunately, the secular world is creeping into the Jewish velt and while you might be correct in saying the women are bringing it in through secular fashions, there is much blame to go around.
Men are exposed to the “vogue” fashions through their work; some young women dress to impress the young men and others to impress their friends. Either way, this style of dressing has permeated our world and it is unfortunate and upsetting.
I believe that we are giving our children the wrong message. Yes, it’s very important to take care of yourself, to look good for yourself and your spouse, but this should not be at the expense of your tznius or your dignity. We must compliment our children on their internal beauty so they will feel that their character has worth and value. Furthermore, people with self-confidence are much more attractive than those without it. While many women look striking, their beauty won’t continue to shine unless they have a positive sense of self. Thus, it’s important to make sure we are instilling these positive values in our children from when they are very young and complimenting them on their middos. That is not to say that we shouldn’t compliment outer beauty, rather we should try to find a healthy balance between complimenting the inner and the outer.
It’s also important to make sure our young children dress in an appropriate manner. Once they become teenagers it is harder to navigate the issue. Sometimes it helps to say, “I will only buy something we both really like. If I like something and you do not like it, we will not buy it, and if you like something and I do not like it, then we will also not buy it. We have to find something we both like!” This way, they feel that their opinion is important and they will be more likely to accept your vetoing an outfit. There is definitely a way to dress beautifully and appropriately, though it’s not always as easy as it used to be.
Lastly, although tznius is integral to our way of life, it is also very important to make sure our girls and young women are comfortable with their bodies. Women are beautiful and they should know it and feel it. I once read a beautiful article comparing women to Sifrei Torah. Their bodies have to remain covered and respected just as a Sefer Torah must remain covered and respected, but their bodies are beautiful and they should always feel as such. Thank you again for helping to bring insight into this important matter. May we all learn from your letter and become more attuned to the spirit of the laws of tznius.
Hatzlocha!