Dear Dr. Respler,
I have been reading your column for many years and look forward to them every Shabbos. My husband suffers from anxiety and depression. He is currently under medication and sees a therapist every week and has been advised to see a psychiatrist again this month.
He is able to cover his problems up very well to those around him and is able to function at work and on a day to day basis, but he still does suffer a lot. He has a very hard time getting out of bed every morning and has mood swings regularly. His family is unaware of anything he suffers from and they think he is the son who is the most reliable and sensible one in the family. Thus, they all turn to him with every issue that arises. He has helped his parents and most of his siblings emotionally or financially in some way. Although I admire his willingness to always help and be such an amazing son and brother, I think it really is taking a toll on his emotional well-being. Doesn’t he need to make sure he takes care of himself before solving everyone else’s problems? I can see when someone comes to him with a problem how much it affects his mood. What should I do to fix this situation? I would really appreciate your take on this.
Thank you so much!
A Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife,
It may be that your husband gets a huge sense of satisfaction from being the “family savior.” The problem with this role is that it comes with a great cost to his well-being and ultimately affects you and your family.
Feeling satisfaction from being the family savior can come from a desire to feel helpful and valued, but it can also be a sign of a “savior complex.” This complex can be characterized by feeling responsible for others’ well-being, often to the point of neglecting one’s own needs and boundaries. Even though a person with a “savior complex” wants to help, this can lead to resentment, burnout, and strained relationships. There are benefits to a “savior complex,” such as when you help those you care about, you get a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Additionally, being seen as a helper and someone who can fix problems, can increase someone’s self-esteem and make someone feel validated.
However, as you noted, there are also negatives to this. Prioritizing other people‘s needs can lead to burn out and neglecting your own emotional and physical well-being. Furthermore, a “savior complex” can manifest as an unhealthy need to fix other people’s problems, even when they don’t need or want it. This can also lead to strained relationships because constantly rescuing people can make them feel like they cannot deal with their issues on their own. It is possible that your husband was parentified as a child or maybe he had some childhood trauma. Regardless of whether your husband has a “savior complex,” he needs to learn to set healthy boundaries and accept that he cannot fix everyone’s problems. You mentioned that he is already seeing a therapist, is this something that you or he can bring up with his therapist? Perhaps he can learn to set healthy boundaries and find the balance between helping others and taking care of himself and his family.
Helping his family probably serves a purpose. Of course your husband is probably a really good person, and this is stemming from a good place, but it may also make him feel amazing to be the “go to person.”
He also may struggle with a sense of guilt if he does not meet others’ expectations and may need to work on building himself up so he does not need to meet other people’s expectations in order to feel good about himself. Maybe he gets self-esteem from helping others, particularly family members who respect him and look up to him for being the family anchor. Your husband can work on building his self-esteem in other ways, so he does not need to neglect his own needs and those of his family to feel good.
Hatzlacha with this situation and remember that you have a big role in building your husband’s self-esteem. Please try to build your husband as much as you can and help him get the help he needs from his therapist so he can continue to be the amazing person he is while he also takes care of his own mental health.
