Dear Dr. Yael,
My mother is suffering from a surgery that she can overcome, but she is depressed in the hospital. She had a knee replacement and she needs to do physical therapy and have a better attitude in order to deal with her issues. She is going to a top rehab center and we are trying everything to get her to be more positive. My mother is by nature a positive person and we as her children love her very much. We try to cheer her up but nothing seems to help. She is in clear mind and the doctors expect a full recovery. However, maybe you can give us some ideas how to give her more motivation to do the physical therapy. We know she is in pain.
Her nature is to be a giving and loving person. She always has the patience for her grandchildren and reads with them on the phone and helps them with their homework. It is so hard for her to be on the receiving end. How can we help her feel better about receiving and feel less depressed?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Your mother sounds like an amazing and giving person. There’s a saying that goes like this: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing, if you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune, if you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” I think you have to think of ways that your mother can be distracted by being involved with helping others even from her bed. If the grandchildren like to do homework with her, maybe she can do some even from her bed in the hospital, and this may distract her depression. A knee replacement is very painful and it’s possible the pain may be hindering her sleep, which can also be exacerbating this issue. Some people are prescribed sleep aids after surgery, but if your mother is indeed suffering from sleep difficulties, you must talk to your mother’s doctor to see what can be done to help her.
Knee replacements also come with certain risks, which can include changes to your state of mind, such as increased anxiety, depression, and insomnia. There are multiple things that can cause these emotions after surgery such as decreased mobility, increased dependency on others, pain or discomfort, and/or side effects to medication. Perhaps your mother is feeling depressed because she has lost a huge sense of her independence. Hopefully her dependency will be temporary, but at this point, she has no way of knowing that and she may be feeling very helpless and hopeless about her future. It is important for you to try to let your mother have as much independence as possible. Having her help you with whatever she can will also give her a feeling of competency and assist her in feeling more useful. It is also important to let your mother talk about her feelings. This is not always easy for children; however, if your mother is able to discuss how she is feeling, she may feel better about it afterwards. Research shows that depression is very common after having a knee replacement and that symptoms usually recede after approximately three weeks. Hopefully these emotional changes in your mother are temporary and it is important for your mother to know that these feelings are normal; however, if they do not go away after a few weeks, you must let your mother’s doctor know about this, so that he can intervene medically if necessary or help you get the right therapist who can help your mother start to feel better emotionally.
I would like to end with this amazing story told by someone whose father suffered a stroke.
“My father suffered a serious stroke three years ago. Much of his body was paralyzed. After his initial medical care, he was brought to Northridge Hospital for rehab. So after work each night, I’d go up and visit. At first, he was very depressed. He felt everything good in his life had been taken from him. And then one night, his mood changed, his whole attitude was different. I thought perhaps the physical therapy was beginning to work, returning his strength and control. Or perhaps they changed his medications. Then I learned the truth. At eleven o’clock, he excused himself, and told me he had an appointment. Who do you have an appointment with at eleven o’clock at night? I asked. And he told me. A few nights ago, they brought in a kid who had been in a terrible motorcycle accident. The kid was completely paralyzed, his body almost destroyed. The kid was so depressed, he was suicidal. He saw nothing in his future, so he refused to take his medications. He wanted to die. They brought social workers and psychologists and psychiatrists, but no one could reach the kid. Except my father. With his own body broken, he wheeled his wheelchair into the kid’s room each night when it was time for medications. My father sat with the kid and talked to him, and talked him into staying alive for just another day. Each night, Dad went into that kid and talked him into taking his meds. He talked him off the abyss and back into life. That’s what healed my father.”
The best advice I can give you is to try to get your mother back to becoming involved with helping others. This will give her immeasurable joy and will allow her to heal in the process. Of course she has to first get some of her strength back, but as soon as you can help her get involved with other things, the better she will feel. It sounds like she is an amazing grandmother, so some involvement on the phone helping the grandchildren, even for a few minutes and then building up the time may help her. Hatzlacha in this trying situation and may your mother have a complete refuah sheleima and return back to her positive and happy self.
