Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about my second marriage, which is great. Both my husband and I were happily married and brought up beautiful families. We both lost our spouses. My second husband and I dated when we were very young and then married other people. I loved my first husband. He was brilliant, very frum, and an amazing husband and father. We were zoche to have beautiful, very bright children who are all happily married. We even married off our two oldest grandchildren and were zoche to see great-grandchildren.
After both our spouses were niftar, my second husband and I met again and after 50 years, it was like we were the young couple we were. We remarried and all the children and grandchildren get along. My problem is while his children accept me as the new bubby, my daughters are polite and nice to him, but seem to be upset about my joyful second marriage.
My first husband was more into learning and davening with minyan, but my second husband is more fun, adventurous and likes going on vacation. My second husband and I seem to have a more romantic, warm relationship where we are not just spouses, but we can communicate. He is also more financially successful and very generous to me and my children. While the grandchildren get along well with my second husband, my daughters treat him politely but in a cold manner.
I had a great marriage with their father. So why are my daughters not being as warm and accepting to my second husband as his children are to me? My sons are really warm and loving to my second husband, respect and treat him as a father should be treated. We both try very hard to be loving to everyone. Why are my daughters not happy for me? I really love my second husband and I think this drives my daughters crazy. My sons are happy that he is good to me and that their mother is happy.
I read somewhere that when you marry someone older in life whom you dated when you were younger, you still see that person as you saw them when they were young. Therefore, we have a deep emotional and physical connection that my daughters seem to be aware of. We often laugh together like teenagers. I also know that people in good first marriages are likely to succeed in their second marriages. What can I do about my daughters having a hard time seeing me happy with someone other than their father? My first husband loved me very much and was a tzaddik, and I am sure that he arranged my second shidduch in Olam HaEmes. I am sure that my first husband is happy that I am happy since he spent his whole life trying to be the best husband possible. I want my daughters to treat my second husband as well as all his children treat me. Please help me deal with this situation. Thank you.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
As you noted, statistically, people who have successful first marriages tend to have successful second marriages. Generally they know how to be married, that is, how to compromise, communicate, and do most of the things that contribute to a good and healthy marriage. I have found that people who are giving, flexible and try to get along with others, tend to have good marriages. It appears that both of you try hard to get along with everyone and this is a great way to manage life. It is possible that your daughters loved their father very deeply and feel hurt that you are happy with another man, even if this man is being so nice to them and their children.
Women are generally more sensitive and astute and the fact that you seem happier and more vibrant may be upsetting to your daughters. Perhaps, they were Daddy’s girls, so this is hard for them to see. Since your daughters are being respectful, I would try to speak to them in a loving manner and explain that you will always love their father and that you believe that their father, who is in Olam HaEmes, is happy that you are happy since he was such a good husband.
Please understand that it is hard for your daughters and they are still grieving for their father. Time heals and hopefully your daughters will be more positive to your second husband over time. Please give them the space they need to grieve and hopefully they will become more warm on their own. The more you push, the more you will likely push them away.
Again, as you noted, people who date when they are young and then marry that person later in life do tend to see that person as they were when they were young. So, your attraction to one another is based on a history where you both shared some deep feelings for one another.
It will likely be helpful for you to just continue to be positive and loving to everyone and with time, things will hopefully get better. Even if things stay the same, there is no blatant disrespect, and perhaps after you speak to your daughters, they will try to behave differently.
It may be wise for your daughters to seek professional help, so they can air their feelings in a safe place. It seems that you are happy. Please do not allow your daughters’ feelings to mar that happiness. You are lucky that you found love twice in your life. Some people never find love.
It sounds like you and your husband are positive people. Please enjoy each other, include all your children and grandchildren, and try to love every person uniquely.
This situation is not simple and I wish you smooth sailing on your journey. Life is a journey, and a happy person enjoys the scenery on a detour. Laughter is the best medicine and joy will help you live a longer healthier life.
Hatzlacha and hoping you will both enjoy good health parnassah and nachas from all your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
