Dear Dr. Yael,
I think I may have a toxic close friend. We have been friends since elementary school and today we have married children. Looking back at our lives, I was always the studious one while she was always looking to shop. We both came from average homes financially. However, she was always looking at jewelry, houses, etc.
As life progressed, my goal was to marry a ben Torah, go into chinuch and raise a wonderful family. Her goal was to marry a rich guy and have a beautiful house, clothes, jewelry, etc.
Well, that is what happened. She married into a wealthy home and her husband is very successful himself. My friend’s husband is a baal middos and a baal tzedakah and our husbands really like each other. They learn together every day.
My family is much larger and our values are very different. My friend’s husband often shares with my husband that he wishes his wife would be influenced by me. Unfortunately, even though I know that gashmius is not the important thing and I see that our children are full of tochen and also very frum, I envy her easy, rich life.
My husband feels that this friend is toxic for me and that she is having a negative influence on me. He is prepared to sever this relationship as he sees her constant flaunting of all the things that she has bothers me. I keep hoping to rise above this feeling and influence her. However, I often become sad after spending time with her. Can a friendship be toxic? I do not want to sever this relationship. I want to try to grow and not let the things she says and does bother me.
Her husband is a special person and I do not think we should cut them out of our lives. However, my husband has many valid points. It is hard to talk to her since she often laughs and makes jokes out of everything. Please help me deal with this effectively.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your letter. I do not know your friend, so it is difficult to answer your question. Only you can really know if your friend is toxic. It sounds like your friend may be much more into gashmius than you, and may make you feel bad sometimes. Whether you want to remain friends with her or not is up to you. However, I will share with you signs of a toxic friendship so you have a better idea of what a toxic friendship is and if your friend is, in fact, a toxic friend.
A toxic friend is often criticizing you and making you feel small and embarrassed (e.g., a toxic friend will find fault in almost anything you do and will usually find a smart way to criticize you and make you feel bad about yourself).
A toxic friend will not be happy for you when something good happens to you or when you get something new. Someone who truly loves you will celebrate your happiness. Toxic friends do not.
A toxic friend often lacks empathy and does not seem to care when you are going through a hard time. A toxic friend may even get some joy from your hardships.
A toxic friend will not be trustworthy and will not keep the secret you ask of them. A toxic friend may even use your secrets against you.
Toxic friends take advantage of your generosity and give nothing in return. They also usually do not appreciate anything you do for them.
Toxic friends talk about you behind your back and may spread rumors about you. They have no compunction about ruining your name or spreading lies about you.
Toxic friends are always unhappy, complaining, and dissatisfied with everything. They are the type of people that bring you down and make you into a bad mood.
Toxic friends are often very self-centered. They only care about their own feelings and will not consider your needs unless it serves a purpose for them.
Toxic friends make everything more dramatic. They exaggerate issues and make small things into a problem. They add unnecessary drama to your life that you’re better off without. They also may lie if it serves a purpose to them.
Toxic friends are bullies. They use your vulnerabilities and secrets to attack you when you’re down and they damage you psychologically.
Toxic friends can be very judgmental and may only talk about themselves.
Toxic friends can be very stubborn. It’s their way or the highway.
Toxic friends can be picky, very needy, and hard to please they also get into petty fights because they like to sow division. They get mad at you easily and always seem to be upset at you over the smallest things. Besides the obvious, this can be toxic because they do not like to work out issues in a mature manner.
Lastly, toxic friends can be very negative. This makes them difficult to be around and unpleasant to deal with as they tend to only see the bad in most situations.
What you described does not seem like someone who is toxic, though it could be that she does have some of these issues on a much smaller scale. Your friend may be a little self-centered and may talk about all of the things she has, but this is likely because she is feeling insecure around you. You noted that your friend is going through a lot. Try to be there for her and try to build her self-esteem. In this process, you may help your friend be a better friend to you as she may feel more confident around you.
If, on the other hand, your friend does meet a lot of these criteria, then it would be very prudent to begin the process of cutting yourself off from your friend. No one should be friends with someone who is constantly making them feel bad about themselves and/or who is going out of their way to hurt them. If you feel that your friend is making a pattern of making you feel bad about yourself or what you have/don’t have or if you feel that your friend is often trying to hurt you, then this is not a healthy relationship for you. A person does not have to be toxic in order for it to not be a healthy friendship.
Please think about what is ultimately best for you and your family and then follow through on your decision, even if it is hard to do so. Thank you for your letter and hatzlacha with this difficult decision.
