Dear Dating Coach,
After dating for many years, I am engaged. While I admit I made this decision with my mind rather than my heart, I thought it was still the right thing to do. He seems to be everything I wanted, and the things that bothered me seemed minor in comparison. But now that I am engaged, I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach, positive that I am making a mistake. I don’t want to spend time with him, and the thought of marrying him makes me feel worried and anxious. At this point, I don’t feel like I can do anything about it. I just keep noticing every single thing about him that I don’t like. My parents think it’s just nerves and are encouraging me to push through. I understand them and I agree that this might just be the best I can do. How can I help myself to be more excited when all I feel is regret?
Mistaken
Dear Mistaken,
There are red flags that all daters should be aware of when dating. This might look like someone who is unable to control their emotions, loses their temper, and gets angry at the server, the other drivers on the road, and anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Someone who minimizes you or your feelings, and makes you feel less than. We need to be aware of someone who might try to alienate you from your family and friends, and who tries to convince you that they are the only one who cares about you. Someone who is unreliable and irresponsible and continuously blames you for their failures and lack of success. And finally, someone who hurts you with their words, or G-d forbid, worse. These are all clear red flags, and we hope that every dater who recognizes one or more of these in someone that they are dating will ask for help from someone objective and wise.
Don’t Fear Failure. Fear Regret
What happens however, when there are no glaring red flags, but your gut is telling you that you have made a mistake? I am so grateful that you reached out. You must feel so alone. You are desperately trying to convince yourself that you have made a sound decision while your heart is telling you to walk away. What to do?
Ask for help
If your parents are not the right resource right now, find someone who is. This can be a Rebbetzin, an aunt, a close family friend, or a therapist. It’s true that many kallahs feel nervous after getting engaged and it is possible that you are simply one of them. If so, we can address those feelings and concerns and work through them. Someone you trust can help you to discern where your feelings stand. Perhaps you need time or guidance. Maybe you need reassurance and care. Or it is possible that you have made the wrong decision? That you attached yourself to someone who is not right for you and now you feel so enmeshed that you cannot extricate yourself and want to simply push through? We plan to be married forever. And forever is a really long time. Let’s make sure you make the right choice for you. A mistake can be rectified, and while painful and hard, can prove barely significant in the scope of a lifetime. Reach out for support. Do it for yourself. Do it for him. Ask for help.
