Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could plug some numbers into a calculator and emerge with friendship? But, friendships don’t work like that, right? Former FBI agent Jack Schafer begs to differ. In his new book, The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over, he explains that there is a friendship formula that people can use to make friends, assume leadership positions at work, and even get the job in a high pressure interview.
Before we get to the formula, it’s important to ask why we even need friends. Research shows that those with close friends live longer, are happier, and feel less stressed. We all have experienced this: after spending time with a good friend, we feel better. We walk more lightly on our feet. In addition, if we share pain with a friend, we feel less sad. On a deeper level, friendships protect us from depression and anxiety. In fact, psychologist Martin Seligman argues that higher levels of depression as we age could be attributed to a dwindling group of friends because we spend less time socializing than we did while in school.
Journalist Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore, explains that friendships “boost our immune system, and we have a healthier cardiovascular system when we spend time with friends. Our memory is enhanced and we sleep more deeply. The list goes on about how spending time with friends and having close confidantes supports our health.”
The benefits of friendship are particularly potent for women as opposed to men.
Experts are unclear about why women generally need more close friendships and attribute it to different emotional needs. In addition, many men count their wives among their best friends.
When still in school, it’s easier to make friends because you are forced into social situations. As an adult, making friends can be harder – especially because your life is busy. That being said, there are steps you can take toward making true friends even later in life. That’s where Jack Schafer’s Friendship Formula comes in.
Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity. Let me explain what Schafer means by each of the different friendship factors:
Proximity is the distance between you and another individual, and your exposure to that individual over time. The more you see the person in a non-threatening environment, the more likely that person will be to consider you a friend – or in essence – start liking you. It’s an interesting part of human nature, but just being with a person a lot is critical to the development of a relationship. Therefore, if there is someone you would really like to befriend, spending more time with that person (at shul, at the gym, in the supermarket, or at work) is the first step toward completing the friendship formula.
Frequency is the number of contacts you have with another individual over time. Frequency goes hand in hand with proximity. The less distance and the more frequent those meetings, chance encounters or quick conversations are, the stronger the friendship.
Duration is the length of time you spend with another individual over time. If you spend more extended time with the person, your relationship has the opportunity to blossom and grow.
Intensity is how strongly you are able to satisfy another person’s psychological and/or physical needs through the use of verbal or nonverbal behaviors. If you run into the same person every other day at your local market and spend an hour shopping together (proximity, frequency, and duration), but you never have any meaningful conversations, your friendship will not necessarily develop. Intensity is the final element of the friendship formula.
Incidentally, Schafer also points out that you can also extricate yourself from unwanted friendships by slowly decreasing the elements of the friendship formula. This way, it will not feel like an extreme break, but will be a gradual growing apart.
The Like Switch also has some great suggestions for how to react when meeting people for the first time to let them know that you are open to friendship. Below are his FBI-proven tips:
Make eye contact. Don’t prolong your eye contact, as that can be read as a threat, but a quick glance and then a look away can let people know that you are open to a conversation.
Do an “eyebrow flash.” The quick up and down movement of your eyebrows expresses curiosity and flexibility, letting others around you know that you are not menacing.
Tilt your head. When you tilt your head to one side, you expose your carotid artery, which tells the person you are speaking to that you are not threatening him or her, rather you are friendly.
Smile. When you smile, your body releases endorphins that make you feel good. When you genuinely feel good, the people around you feel good too!
Schafer even has some suggestions to use on the job hunt. If you have an interview, he explains that you should send out “friend signals” at the interview as well. Everyone wants to like the people he or she works with, so Schafer suggests sending out those signals on the interview as well:
Show you are a friend. Make eye contact, tilt your head at times, and smile. These are the same tips that help you let others know that you are interested in friendship. Essentially, you are letting your boss know that you are friendly and easy to work with.
Establish common ground. Look around the office; if you see pictures of children, speak about your own children. If you see pictures of baseball players, talk about your favorite team. Show the interviewer that you share common interests.
Develop rapport. Mirror the interviewer’s body language; this lets him know that you are in agreement with what he is saying. Everybody likes to know that you agree with him!
It’s hard to make friends as we get older, but it’s not impossible. And, according to former FBI agent Jack Schafer, you can even plug it into a formula and create a friendship!
Register now for a Social Thinking workshop by Michelle Garcia Winner on November 16, 2016. Please call Mrs. Schonfeld at 718-382-5437 for more information.