Most of us vastly underestimate the size and scope of the emotional needs we bring to the office. Beyond the leader-employee relationship, emotional dynamics affect our motivation, health, communication, decision-making, and more. Yet most of us ignore those emotions. Why is it that when we think of professionalism, we immediately jump to the idea that we should suppress everything we feel?
Liz Fosslein and Mollie West Duffy recently published a book entitled, No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work. Most people, they argue, think that it’s important not to show your emotions at work. What research has shown is that this is not the case. In fact, it’s incredibly important for people to express emotions at work. That said, those emotions need to match the situation that you find yourself in.
The authors write: “The forces that compel us to ignore our emotions at work must be combated. Modern work requires an ability to effectively harness emotion – but most of us have never learned how to do this in our professional lives. As we start to recognize the importance of soft skills, we are left wondering: It is possible to be too soft? How much emotion can we express before we come across as unprofessional? What is our “authentic self” is overwhelmed and anxious – should we be open about these feelings? How does who we are (for example, our gender, race, or age) affect the answers to these questions?
Suppression and avoidance might seem to be the easiest answers. “Let’s go back to checking our emotions at the door.” But this attitude is counterproductive. Humans are emotional creatures, regardless of circumstance. By ignoring our feelings at work, we overlook important data and risk making preventable mistakes. We send emails that cause unnecessary anxiety, we fail to work meaningfully, and we burn out.”
So, we need emotional intelligence at work. But what is emotional intelligence or EQ? EQ is the ability to recognize and understand both how you and those around you feel. And, amazingly, EQ is a better predictor of success in the workplace than even IQ is. So, how can you improve your EQ?
In their book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves follow up on their bestselling self-help book The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book. Their goal is to help raise awareness of emotional intelligence (EQ) and it’s key role in our success in school, work, and in life. Bradberry and Greaves framework for understanding EQ is surprisingly simple, and includes four steps:
Self-awareness. Those who have high self-awareness understand what they do well, what makes them feel fulfilled or motivated, and what frustrates or stumps them. Self-awareness is the first step towards emotional intelligence, as without it, the next three steps are impossible.
Self-management. Now that you have an awareness of what makes you happy and unhappy, self-management is the ability to use that awareness in order to stay flexible and use your behavior positively. In other words, if you understand your emotional needs, you can occasionally choose to forgo your immediate emotional response in order to focus on long-term goals that will fulfill you in the future.
Social awareness. Social awareness is the capability of recognizing emotions in other people. In other words, someone with a high social awareness understands what is going on with other people’s personal emotional minds. They understand human behavior without including themselves in the equation.
Relationship management. This part is definitely the most difficult, as it is a combination of the first three steps: you understand your emotions, you manage your emotions, you understand the emotions of those around, and you act in a way that successfully manages your interactions with people both in the immediate moment and for the future.
You can assess your emotional intelligence through a variety of tests in order to understand where you stand on the EQ range, however, as I mentioned before EQ is not fixed and is easily raised through your own actions. The authors of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 provide multiple strategies for each step on the way to increasing emotional intelligence. I’ve included just two in each category, but their book is a wealth of information about the topic.
Self-Awareness
Avoid judging your emotions. Rather than labeling a feeling you are having as good or bad, simply recognize that feeling and try to make sense of where it is coming from. Labeling it as good or bad complicates the situation.
Don’t shy away from unpleasant emotions. Instead, let yourself feel them, and attempt to understand why you are feeling them. This way, you will be able to identify them in the future.
Self-Management
Make an emotion vs. reason list. See if your emotions are in conflict with your logic. If so, decide which should get the upper hand.
Speak to yourself more nicely. So much of what we do is listen to our own self-talk. Learn to change the way you speak to yourself in order to motivate and encourage rather than shame and blame.
Social Awareness
Pay attention to body language. Learn to read the body language of other people. Are they angry? Frustrated? Really glad to see you? Paying attention to non-verbal cues will help you gain awareness of the emotions of those around you.
If you are unsure, ask. When appropriate, if you are worried that you are misreading a situation, you can say, “You seem upset about something” or “Do you want to talk about something?” This way you can ensure that you have properly interpreted the situation.
Relationship Management
Small acts of kindness. If you care about your relationship with someone else, show it in small ways; they will be noticed.
Learn how to give and accept feedback. Giving and getting feedback is hard, but learning how to give and receive in a positive and constructive manner is a great way to develop your EQ.
Want to get ahead at work? Bump up your EQ, develop those soft skills, and know when it’s the appropriate time to use them!