In the previous column, we noted that the harder we fight a negative thought, the tighter its grip becomes. Paradoxically, when we drop our resistance, anxiety loses its fuel — along with its hold on us. We then explored how taking a moment for an honest conversation with ourselves can be profoundly helpful, asking questions like “Why am I feeling anxious about this?” or “What am I really afraid of?” By investigating, stepping forward, and exploring, we signal to the brain’s fear center that we are safe, capable, and in control.
Now we’ll explore why compassion is the bedrock of validation — and why the way we speak to ourselves and how we listen matter just as much as the words we choose.
Validation is Key
Compassion is the foundation of validation. How we speak to ourselves — and how we listen — is just as important as what we say. Using MRI technology, scientists have identified the neurobiological basis for why self-compassion improves our ability to self-regulate: it calms the threat response in the brain and engages regions associated with emotional balance and resilience. When we show warmth and compassion to ourselves, we activate the same neural pathways that would be stimulated by a supportive, encouraging person. This helps us feel loved and accepted, reinforcing our motivation to care for ourselves and invest in our long-term well-being.
Sometimes, understanding how to communicate with ourselves becomes clearer when we consider how we interact with others. In our interpersonal relationships, the ideal connection starts with recognizing the pain of the other person. Our impulse may be to tacitly acknowledge it and then jump to: “Okay, no more whining, time to move on!” In that moment, the pain is invalidated, and the connection is lost.
When we speak to ourselves, we should listen with the same kindness we’d offer a scared or wounded child. Although self-compassion must not devolve into self-pity, the time to galvanize our emotional resources and move forward will come — but only after we’ve gone through the process.
We often think that agreeing with someone is necessary to validate their experience. However, validation is not about the facts; it’s about acknowledging someone’s pain and understanding that they feel that way based on their perspective. We may hesitate to accept another’s distorted perception, fearing that validating their pain might seem like endorsing irrationality. On the contrary, validation is precisely what allows their ego to deflate, creating the space for them to see things differently — and more clearly. They will never see things differently as long as they are busy defending their thinking. The moment a person feels understood, their defenses drop, and they become open to considering another perspective.
We often invalidate others’ feelings without thinking, saying things like, “It’s not such a big deal,” “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re being ridiculous.” We know how unproductive those conversations can be. Yet, we frequently speak to ourselves in the same way — with disdain (“I’m so fed up with myself”), condemnation (“I’m so foolish”), or frustration (“I’m a failure”).
When we empathize with and validate our own pain, we stop fighting it and begin to release the emotional energy trapped in self-defense. Self-validation means acknowledging our pain — even if we don’t believe we have a “good reason” for it. It doesn’t have to be logical or justified; it’s enough to recognize: This is my experience. This is how I feel. And that it’s okay to feel this way.
Do What You Can
Although anxiety often arises from vague or shifting triggers, there are times when the next step is clear. In those moments, hesitation only compounds our distress. Defining the problem sharpens our focus and channels our energy where it counts most. As we know, the more responsible our choices, the stronger our bitachon becomes.
We need to keep our attention on the next responsible move and attack the issue head-on. A concrete, reality-based step — no matter how small — cuts anxiety, builds momentum, and signals to the subconscious, we’re handling this. When no fix is obvious, ask:
“What responsible action can we take right now?”
“How can we blunt the worst-case scenario?”
Anxiety and worry feed off each other: uncertainty ignites anxious arousal, which fuels the endless what-ifs. Worry is a reflex, and unlearning it requires repetition. Each time we stay calm under stress, we carve a new neural groove. Consistency counts — research shows that about 21 consecutive days of practice begin to rewire pathways, echoing Chazal’s teaching that it takes 30 days to change a habit (Yerushalmi Taanis, brought in Tosafos to Berachos 12b).
With enough repetition, the new response becomes automatic; over time, it feels like second nature.
Following this protocol and taking responsible action eases anxiety, but real progress lies just beyond our comfort zone. That brings us to the next frontier: fear.
To be continued
