The typical approach to confronting fear involves reassuring ourselves of our skills and strengths. Yet, paradoxically, as we build ourselves up with thoughts like I am great and I can do anything, we may unintentionally undermine our willingness to take action. The more something threatens our self-image, the harder the ego works to protect itself—often leading us to avoid challenges that might expose weaknesses we’d rather ignore, let alone face.
Another common strategy is to psych ourselves up by inflating the importance of the task—thinking, So much is at stake; I have to succeed!—believing that urgency will fuel motivation. But this approach likewise backfires: it amplifies anxiety, increases avoidance, and can even trigger an unconscious urge to self-sabotage. As the perceived stakes rise, a chain reaction unfolds: confidence drops (because the risk feels greater), perspective narrows (as the ego takes over and fear escalates), and anxiety spikes (because the ego craves control). This cycle breeds black-and-white thinking, overgeneralization, and a flood of what ifs. Ultimately, we avoid the challenge—then rationalize our inaction to soothe our conscience and escape feelings of shame.
Building ourselves up or zeroing in on the task might help in some cases, but these strategies often lead us in circles. To avoid setting ourselves up for failure, we need to understand why these tactics fall short—and explore a more effective way forward.
UCLA brain-scan studies show that a personal threat diverts blood flow from the planning center to the brain’s alarm circuitry in under half a second. Suddenly we’re stuck with tunnel vision and rigid, all-or-nothing rules—the launchpad for perfectionism. Harvard researchers flipped the script with a two-minute self-compassion exercise (“This is tough, but I’m human; others feel this too”). That simple pause calmed the alarm and re-activated problem-solving networks 40 percent faster. In plain English: talk to yourself like a coach, not a critic, and you get your smarter brain back online—and with it, the courage to act.
Alarm Bells
The fight-flight-freeze response is a physiological reaction to a perceived threat, triggered whether the danger is real or imagined. For example, whether we encounter a bear in the woods or merely believe we’ve seen one, the response is the same: the sympathetic nervous system activates the adrenal glands, releasing adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol into the bloodstream. At the same time, processing is rerouted from the prefrontal cortex to the amygdala. We shift into survival mode—heart rate increases, breathing intensifies, blood vessels constrict, and pupils dilate.
We don’t think; we react.
However, the fight-flight-freeze response isn’t limited to physical threats. We recall that as our ego expands, we begin to identify with it, mistaking it for our true self and believing it must be protected. The greater the ego, the more it subscribes to a flawed equation: If what I do isn’t good, then I am not good. From this belief, the ego dreads failure above all else, driven by a deeper fear of disconnection or rejection. According to the ego, we possess little or no intrinsic worth—our value depends entirely on the judgments of others. Therefore, if what we do fails to earn approval, then we are deemed not good enough—and ultimately, unworthy. In response, we often strive for the impossible: perfection.
Perfection—the henchman of procrastination—is deeply demoralizing. Neither intelligence nor talent grants immunity from its grip. On the contrary, Cheshbon HaNefesh states:
There are those people who are intelligent and quick in a certain field of learning or in a certain craft but who lack the ideas or experience in other fields. When faced with a situation, they ponder, then they consult and think again interminably. This man’s virtue is, in truth, his problem. Because he is intelligent, he can always find endless rationales that support different courses of action. Because of his inability to reach a final decision, the opportunity passes him by, or he delays an enterprise with his hesitation for days or years, thus sacrificing their benefits for long periods.
We are working on a task or need to take action, and fear descends with an internal dialogue that asks some version of What if it’s not good enough? The fight-flight-freeze response is activated, leading us to one of two options: either we push through the fear and move forward, or we retreat. (In the freeze response, people may become immobilized by fear or anxiety in high-pressure situations, which can impair their typical performance or reaction. This psychological phenomenon, often referred to as “choking,” is similar to stage fright, where the mind’s overwhelming response inhibits physical action.)
In this moment, thoughts like I must be certain and I cannot fail take over, making it feel as if our very survival is at stake. A range of distressing thoughts and emotions—some intense, others barely noticeable—combine with physiological symptoms, whether obvious or lurking just beneath awareness, to signal that something is wrong. Mind and body align in urgency: we must act now to escape the fear.
Avoidance takes many forms beyond overt procrastination. In the next column we’ll explore the different ways we engage in behaviors that create a false sense of accomplishment while shielding us from the risks of true commitment and potential setbacks.
To be continued.
