“A cross-culture marriage presents needless challenge for shalom bayis. Why introduce more adjustment problems?”
“Making aliyah with pre-teens invites trouble beyond the normal.”
“Ha, you think you can manage in Israeli society without protectzia!”
These naysayers were well-meaning; they wanted to spare me altogether (if I was smart) or prepare me (if I wasn’t) for the obstacles ahead in case I’d choose an unconventional course of action.
According to their criteria, I wasn’t smart: I entered a “mixed” Ashkenazic-Sephardic marriage four decades ago, baruch Hashem, and when we made aliyah years later, three of our children were pre-adolescents. To the surprise of our protectzia-invested acquaintances, my family has thrived in our daled amos without that amenity, b’ezras Hashem.
I’m not inclined to contravene conventional “wisdom” for the dubious satisfaction of saying “I told you so,” nor am I a daredevil trendsetter. But I do believe that in our limited time in this world, we are meant to live our own lives and make our own informed, hashkaficallyand halachically sound choices, not anyone else’s.
A long-time friend (women never have “old friends”) insists on keeping me grounded in what she calls the real world of hishtadlus, where the word refers to taking action according to “proven” results. I live there, too; however, as the child of Holocaust survivors who repeatedly witnessed hashgachah pratis, it’s clear to me that I must not allow hishtadlus to overstay its welcome lest it become a weed that tries to overpower my bitachon. I figure that since only the ultimate Power is in control of every detail, it would be a shame not to leave myself some space to perceive this.
It’s a tricky thing, this interrelationship between faith in one’s efforts and trust in Hashem’s providence. How much is too much (or too little) hishtadlus?I see personal effort as a wick waiting to be ignited, but it’s Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s ratzon that determines whether it will be and how many trials it will take. Do I really know what’s beneficial for me? If I claimed omniscience, I’d be shutting Hashem out of my life, chalilah.
We were conventional enough to want to make aliyah when our first three children were very young, but that was not Hashem’s will. Had we come then, my husband would have accepted one of two excellent job offers he received as an electronics engineer, and our way of life would most likely have been very different than it is today. A personal setback delayed our immigration. In the meantime, my husband became more involved in a nightly learning schedule that extended to Sundays in Lakewood. His yearning for a life with Torah at its center motivated our decision to “try it out” for a year in Yerushalayim, and baruch Hashem, we’ve been here ever since.
The answer to how we managed it is siyata d’Shmaya – the same chesed we all need in every aspect of our daily lives. Of course, our willingness to compromise on the standard of living we had become accustomed to was an essential factor in our acclimation, but without a doubt, we have seen how the Ribbono Shel Olam’s assistance – whether with regard to finding the appropriate yeshivah or seminary, or the right shidduchim for our children – can come from unexpected sources.
It’s known and guaranteed by Chazal for those seeking a chelek in Torah, Eretz Yisrael and Olam Habah that there are plenty of struggles. But these are blessed struggles for eternal acquisitions. In difficult moments, I need only remind myself to open my eyes to see the blessings and let them into my heart.