Dear Dr. Yael:
I am writing to you about my marriage. I have been married for over 20 years and, Baruch Hashem, have always thought it was amazing. That being said, I know that as we get older the differences between us get more challenging.
My marriage is one of opposites attract, as opposed to one of our children’s marriages which is that of birds of a feather. I have always seen the beauty in both styles.
In a union where both spouses have similar personalities there are fewer compromises. If both spouses are pretty social, they socialize. If both are more private, they spend more time alone.
However, in my marriage one of us loves people, while the other loves quiet, private time. As we have gotten older this has gotten harder, since even going to visit our married children becomes a compromise. I love to visit them as often as possible or have them over, while my husband feels he is doing me a favor to have them over.
Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Respler, he loves the children and grandchildren, but he enjoys his quiet Shabbos. So, he gives into me on Yom Tov, but most Shabbosim we are home alone. This is hard for me and although I understand my husband’s needs, I want to be with people more.
I love my husband and want to figure out how to make this work.
A Fan
Dear Fan,
Studies show that people are more likely to be attracted to people who are more like themselves in certain areas such as age, religion, political beliefs, and intelligence.
However, researchers Nathan W. Hudson and R. Chris Fraley wanted to see whether couples who are similar in their personality would be more satisfied in their relationships. They used the Big Five Personality traits to assess personality. Participants rated themselves and their partners for extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability (the opposite of neuroticism), and openness to experience. They also completed a measure of relationship satisfaction.
Hudson and Fraley found that the couples who were similar to each other (based on their own ratings) in the area of agreeableness and in emotional stability were more satisfied in their relationships. This means that people who are able to remain stable and balanced (people who scored low on neuroticism) as well as people who scored high on agreeableness (people who are kind, sympathetic, cooperative, warm, and considerate) were also found to be more satisfied in their relationships.
On the other hand, sharing the characteristics of extraversion, conscientiousness, and openness did not show higher relationship satisfaction. Thus, they found that sharing similar personality traits does not necessarily mean that a relationship will be more satisfying; however, perceiving that you are more similar will usually predict more satisfaction in a relationship. The researchers went further and found that even more important than personality, attachment played a bigger part in relationship satisfaction.
Dr. Vinita Mehta, a clinical psychologist noted that, “the happiest couples never have the same character – they just have the best understanding of their differences.” There is no easy answer to your question because relationships are complicated and there are many variables that go into relationship satisfaction. People who can understand and respect each other’s differences may have just as much satisfaction as another couple with similar personality types. Relationship satisfaction actually seems more connected to attachment style. Securely attached individuals likely have the best shot at relationship satisfaction as they are not bringing as much baggage into their marriage.
While it is hard to always feel like you are compromising, especially when you are just having your own children over or visiting them, I am sure that there are many positives to having a husband who compliments your personality. Try to focus on all of the positives in your husband and your marriage; your change in perspective will likely lead to more relationship satisfaction. Also, try to think of all of the ways that you are similar (as I am sure there are many) and you will realize that you are not as different as you think!
Hatzlocha!