web analytics
August 30, 2015 / 15 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Covering Up A Shidduch Stumbling Block?

Kupfer-022814

I was friends with a young mother whom I would describe as being quite easygoing and mellow. One day we were schmoozing in the kitchen when her three-year-old son opened the fridge, grabbed a fruit and started biting into it. To my utter shock and disbelief, my friend’s face became contorted with rage, and she shrieked with fury at her child for taking food on his own – without her permission.

I thought that what he did was praiseworthy, an act of initiative and independence, and not at all deserving of his mother’s anger. (To put things in perspective, as a single mother of very young kids, I always worried how they would manage if I passed out or fell, and was thrilled when my oldest was strong enough and aware enough to access food on his own if necessary so he and his siblings wouldn’t starve until someone noticed I was incapacitated.) So for my friend to be outraged at her child’s resourcefulness had me shaking my head in astonishment.  But even if what he did was against the household’s rules, her ferocious anger did not fit the “crime.”

I knew that that she and her husband were not financially well off – but a child grabbing a snack between meals surely did not warrant such wrath.  Did she have an anger management issue?  In public was she “nice” but in private, an explosive, hot-tempered, verbally abusive individual? Was she tragically repeating emotionally destructive parenting that she may have been exposed to?

I was never asked to be a reference, but I like to think that I would have had the integrity to say that she was a very sweet person, however, I had once witnessed behavior that gave me pause, with the caveat that she might have just been having a “bad day” and sometimes even the calmest people “lose it.”  Then again, both sides of her could be real.

Unfortunately, people with personality disorders are usually cunning enough to put on a relatively normal persona in public. It’s not unusual for them to be well-respected, viewed as ehrlich and approachable. They are able to convince the people they associate with that it is a  spouse or child or parent who is difficult to live with and the one who is “crazy” and unreasonable.  They portray themselves as the abused parties. Since they have a distorted view of reality, their lies are convincing; this is actually how they interpret their world.

That is what is so scary about shidduchim.  References can be manipulated, fooled and misled and thus quite innocently say favorable things about a very sick person.  That is why it is reprehensible when those who do know that the individual has serious issues are silent.

I think it is crucial for future chatanim and kallot to be taught to recognize certain “red flags” that could indicate that a date has serious problems.  It would be a huge mitzvah for psychologists and other mental health specialists to have sessions in the girls’ high schools and boys’ yeshivot and seminaries to teach what to look for.  Someone who, for example, loses his temper at the waiter because his soup is lukewarm is not necessarily personality disordered, but it is a behavior that should be watched to see if it is part of a pattern.

Further investigation, for example, is warranted if a young lady is overly critical about trivial matters or speaks disrespectfully and condescendingly about her parents or friends as the relationship progresses. If she disparages these people, chances are she will be critical of her future spouse and children.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

4 Responses to “Covering Up A Shidduch Stumbling Block?”

  1. Life is very difficult.

  2. Too many nightmares to mention. Sadly true.

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Former Arkansas Governor and current presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee in Jerusalem.
Official PA Media Calls Huckabee ‘Inane Creature’ and ‘Wicked Man’
Latest Sections Stories
book-Lord-Get-Me-High

Even when our prayers are ignored and troubles confront us, Rabbi Shoff teaches that it is the same God who sent the difficulties as who answered our prayers before.

Schonfeld-logo1

I’ve put together some of the most frequently asked questions regarding bullies, friendship and learning disabilities.

book-Avi's-Choice

His parents make it clear that they feel the right thing is for Avi to visit his grandfather, but they leave it up to him.

There is a rich Jewish history in this part of the world. Now the hidden customs are being revealed, as many seek to reconnect with their roots.

There are times when a psychiatrist will over-medicate, which is why it’s important to find a psychiatrist whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

On November 22, 1963, Abraham Zapruder created one of the most famous, and valuable, pieces of film and became forever linked with one of the greatest American national tragedies when he stood with his camera on an elevated concrete abutment as President John F. Kennedy’s motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza in Dallas. Exhibited here is […]

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie ten Boom I’ve been thinking a lot about worrying. Anxiety is an issue close to my heart – […]

Don’t be afraid to try something different.

Upon meeting the Zionist delegation, General Wu, a recent convert to Christianity, said, “You are my spiritual brothers.

With the assistance of Mr. Tress, Private Moskowitz tried tirelessly to become an army chaplain.

Dr. Yael Respler is taking a well-deserved vacation this week and asked Eilon Even-Esh to share some thoughts with her readers in her stead.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-On-Our-Own-NEW

What I call verbal terrorism is tragically not rare at all.

Kupfer-060515-Supermen

There are fathers who bravely step up to the plate and fill in the maternal vacuum with their love and devotion.

The message being conveyed is that without “flour,” without the means to support oneself and one’s family, one’s focus on Torah will be impeded by worry.

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/covering-up-a-shidduch-stumbling-block/2014/02/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: