web analytics
December 18, 2014 / 26 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



Covering Up A Shidduch Stumbling Block?

Kupfer-022814

I was friends with a young mother whom I would describe as being quite easygoing and mellow. One day we were schmoozing in the kitchen when her three-year-old son opened the fridge, grabbed a fruit and started biting into it. To my utter shock and disbelief, my friend’s face became contorted with rage, and she shrieked with fury at her child for taking food on his own – without her permission.

I thought that what he did was praiseworthy, an act of initiative and independence, and not at all deserving of his mother’s anger. (To put things in perspective, as a single mother of very young kids, I always worried how they would manage if I passed out or fell, and was thrilled when my oldest was strong enough and aware enough to access food on his own if necessary so he and his siblings wouldn’t starve until someone noticed I was incapacitated.) So for my friend to be outraged at her child’s resourcefulness had me shaking my head in astonishment.  But even if what he did was against the household’s rules, her ferocious anger did not fit the “crime.”

I knew that that she and her husband were not financially well off – but a child grabbing a snack between meals surely did not warrant such wrath.  Did she have an anger management issue?  In public was she “nice” but in private, an explosive, hot-tempered, verbally abusive individual? Was she tragically repeating emotionally destructive parenting that she may have been exposed to?

I was never asked to be a reference, but I like to think that I would have had the integrity to say that she was a very sweet person, however, I had once witnessed behavior that gave me pause, with the caveat that she might have just been having a “bad day” and sometimes even the calmest people “lose it.”  Then again, both sides of her could be real.

Unfortunately, people with personality disorders are usually cunning enough to put on a relatively normal persona in public. It’s not unusual for them to be well-respected, viewed as ehrlich and approachable. They are able to convince the people they associate with that it is a  spouse or child or parent who is difficult to live with and the one who is “crazy” and unreasonable.  They portray themselves as the abused parties. Since they have a distorted view of reality, their lies are convincing; this is actually how they interpret their world.

That is what is so scary about shidduchim.  References can be manipulated, fooled and misled and thus quite innocently say favorable things about a very sick person.  That is why it is reprehensible when those who do know that the individual has serious issues are silent.

I think it is crucial for future chatanim and kallot to be taught to recognize certain “red flags” that could indicate that a date has serious problems.  It would be a huge mitzvah for psychologists and other mental health specialists to have sessions in the girls’ high schools and boys’ yeshivot and seminaries to teach what to look for.  Someone who, for example, loses his temper at the waiter because his soup is lukewarm is not necessarily personality disordered, but it is a behavior that should be watched to see if it is part of a pattern.

Further investigation, for example, is warranted if a young lady is overly critical about trivial matters or speaks disrespectfully and condescendingly about her parents or friends as the relationship progresses. If she disparages these people, chances are she will be critical of her future spouse and children.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

4 Responses to “Covering Up A Shidduch Stumbling Block?”

  1. Life is very difficult.

  2. Too many nightmares to mention. Sadly true.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Sydney has banned the  Chabad menorah from being lit this year because of the murders in the Lindt cafe.
Sydney Chabad Hanukkah Menorah Lighting Canceled ‘Out of Respect’
Latest Sections Stories
book-elisha-davidson

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

book-path-for-life

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

South-Florida-logo

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

South-Florida-logo

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

Bais Toras Menachem is proud to welcome its new staff member, Yaakov Mark, who will be the Administrator as well as Ort College and GED class coordinator.

Because she is keenly aware that anti-Semitism may start with the Jews but never ends with the Jews, she makes the logical connection between the opprobrium for both America and Israel so commonplace on the political left.

In this narrative of history, it is the third world Palestinians who are victims of the marauding Jews, of course.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Kupfer-092614-Books

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Many go about the business of living frum, observant lives, but they are only going through the motions.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/covering-up-a-shidduch-stumbling-block/2014/02/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: