We are just a few days into the secular new year, and I would venture to say that the New Year resolutions that so many people took upon themselves with such determination are still intact. Dieting, exercising, curbing spending, giving up smoking – most people can handle these restrictions or addictions for a day or two or three. But within weeks, the resolve will be replaced by a lack of willpower or delusional rationalization and people will be back to their ingrained habits and behaviors, despite their proclaimed promise to improve themselves. Often failure to launch can be chalked up to the difficult effort and focus that change requires.
But there is one “tikun” that we all should take upon ourselves, one that is very easy to implement and follow through on: Give someone you know, or even someone you don’t, a compliment, kind word, or positive remark.
In view of the recent horrific tragedies that have individually and collectively beset us, we should be mindful of making efforts to uplift Jews and non-Jews alike. While we can’t explain why these tragic events occurred, this relatively easy personal tikun can serve as a zechut to the fallen which is a reward in itself. But it also will make us feel better – the one giving the flattering comment as well as the recipient.
Saying something positive is contagious, as is negativity. I know, for example, that when I am driving and someone blasts his horn at me because I didn’t go zooming the second the light turned green, I am likely to “pass it on” by honking at someone else, for no valid reason except that the light turned green and he or she didn’t immediately start moving. Normally I would patiently wait the few extra seconds it takes for the driver to realize the light change.
Being disrespected is like a hot coal you quickly toss to the first person you cross paths with. Similarly, a positive action – like a compliment – will immediately make the recipient feel better about him or herself, and this person will want to share the good will and pass it on. It’s a domino effect. When a domino “touches” the other, it in turn “touches” the next one. From a figurative perspective, depending on the action being a positive or negative one, the domino can be viewed as either “hugging” the next one or “knocking” it down.
Many years ago I saw a movie about a struggling but talented young dancer who was broke and living in a shabby rooming house. He auditions for the part of a lifetime – one that will get him “discovered.” He is so poor that the number he gives the casting director is the pay phone in the rooming house hallway. As he paces back and forth waiting to learn his fate, the phone rings. To his extreme joy he gets chosen for the lead! The man is so full of happiness that it pours out of him and he hugs each of the unkempt people he passes on his way out like they were his best friends.
People have a need to share their happiness – as well as their anger and resentment. I have no doubt that if this very capable but unknown performer had not gotten the role, he would have snarled at, insulted and shoved the derelicts in his way as he stormed out in anger and despair.
Parents should be quick to say something positive to a child even as they chide him or her for bad behavior. For example, tell you son that you don’t like that he hits his sister, but you know he is a good boy and you love him. Or tell your daughter that while her tests scores weren’t as good as they could have been, everyone has a bad outcome now and then and you are confident she will do better next time. Berating her or telling her she is a disappointment will likely lead to even more disappointments as she internalizes the message that she is unworthy.
It is said that it’s easier to catch a fly with honey than with vinegar. Perhaps the positive message your son gets from you will make him feel better about himself and he will learn to not lash out when he is frustrated. And your daughter will apply herself to her schoolwork because you believe in her ability to do so.
Likewise, there is no need, for example, to point out to your overweight wife that she is overweight – she knows it. Nor should you take the opposite approach and fib that she looks so thin in her new dress. A compliment has to be realistic – saying she looks slim might come across as being phony or sarcastic.
It’s maybe hard to maintain a resolution to cook a meal for a new mother or shovel your neighbor’s driveway. Chesed activities that involve labor or time might not be feasible for a person juggling many responsibilities already. But it takes just a few seconds and no effort at all to say something positive to another person. For some, it may be the only lashon tov that comes their way – and your kind words may be the spiritual calories that will feed their emotionally starved neshamot.
Even low-level positive reinforcement – like a simple hello accompanied by a smile – can be a lifesaver.
In a world where so many people are full of pent-up rage; where on a daily basis headlines broadcast horrific acts of violence by individuals who “lost it”; when angry children lash out in pain-driven fury against their religion and community, perhaps a timely resolution to spread verbal kindness will provide an initial preventative cure. One word at a time.