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January 25, 2015 / 5 Shevat, 5775
 
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A New Al Chayt

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Before my son entered shidduchim, I used to hear other people speak about the questions typically posed to “references,” and I absolutely refused to believe that these were true. I was sure that everyone was trading in gross exaggerations. But now that he’s in the parsha, my friends and acquaintances who are often called to vouch for my son (the intelligence gathering is unrivaled by the CIA, Mossad and FBI combined) tell me that my cavalier use of plastic tablecloths has dealt my precious jewel of a son a blow of serious proportions.

How can I expiate such an unforgivable sin, Hashem? This is what I’ve resolved: This year bli neder, I am going to enroll in a food decorating class so I can learn how to transform radishes into roses, study online with Martha Stewart so I can figure out the finer differences between stacking and scraping (which still has me scratching my head in confusion), hire a cleaning lady to wash my china, crystal and silver (newly retrieved from the china closet), and purchase a tablecloth store so I will be able to access an ongoing stream of brand-new tablecloths each and every week, and never need to use plastic again.

In the merit of all these zechusim, may I please see favor in your eyes Hashem (and in the eyes of all the shadchanim and the myriad mothers who inquire about my housekeeping habits…. oops, I mean my son) and may he be blessed to find his richtige zivug this year – somebody who has her priorities on straight and understands what really counts in life.

PS Unfortunately, I can’t use my real name, because…. it isn’t good for shidduchim!

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Al-Chayt-010612

Master of the Universe, I am filled with remorse and compunction. My head is bowed in shame, my hands tremble, and my heart overflows with trepidation as I approach you with my abject confession of guilt.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/potpourri/a-new-al-chayt/2012/01/05/

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