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Big, Hairy Problems

Schmutter-051112

Also, it’s possible that she sees what’s happening to the hair on top of your head, and she figures that you should have some hair somewhere, so you don’t freeze to death.

Ultimately, though, it’s your decision, not hers. If you want to shave, but she likes the way your beard looks, there are a lot of fake beards you can buy in Purim Supply stores that you can wear for occasions where you’re going to be in pictures, such as weddings. Talk about scratchy.

 

Dear Mordechai,

With the amount of money I’m paying for tuition, I can barely pay my mortgage and bills and buy groceries and other basics. What should I do?

Mendy Hecht, Monsey

Dear Mendy,

I’ll admit that I do not have what you’d call “a solid understanding of economics,” defined as “any understanding of economics.” People with a solid understanding of how finances work do not become writers. But it would seem that a decent idea would be for you to become homeless, chas v’shalom.

Think of the money you’d save! Half your expenses go into maintaining your house, and buying things to fill it, and replacing those things when your kid colors on them or uses them as a stepstool. In the old days, homelessness was a legitimate lifestyle choice. The Jews spent 40 years in the desert being homeless. They had money; they could have stayed in hotels.

Homelessness would solve everything. No home repairs, no laundry – you’d just wear the same thing every day. Plus the beard would come in handy, so that would make your wife happy. Occasionally you’d have some shopping cart maintenance issues, but you can always replace the cart. I think they’re like $75. Or free.

It happens to be that homelessness gets a pretty bad rap, because everyone always focuses on the negative, which is the lack of homes. But how often do we compliment someone by saying that he’s from the streets? Are homeless people not from the streets?

Also, if a lot of people would agree to be homeless, the price of homes would go down, and that would benefit those of us who are… Homeful? Homed? Homely? I don’t know.

Of course, there might be some downsides. It’s very easy for me to suggest this during the spring, I’ll admit it. So maybe we’ll revisit this question at a later date. Don’t do anything drastic until then. Because frankly, this question is beyond the scope of this article.

Have any questions for “You’re Asking Me?” Send them in. I have a drawer for that sort of thing. It’s marked, “vegetables.”

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