Thoughts From the Throne

By: Mordechai Schmutter

Published: February 10th, 2012
Latest update: February 14th, 2012

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Welcome back to “You’re Asking Me?” where we try to answer any questions that you send in at any time. And we do mean any time. This month, in honor of Purim, which is actually next month (shortly before the next edition of this column), we’re going to answer some questions that were sent in about 2,400 years ago.

Okay, so our turnaround isn’t that bad. This column is actually a rerun. The original version ran in The Jewish Press on March 10, 356 BCE, right next to the Arnold Fine column.

Dear Mordechai,

I’m in the process of building a throne with ornate lions and steps, and the lions keep getting up and attacking the contractors. What should I do? I’ve been king for over 2 years now, and I have nowhere to sit.

Standing, Persia

Dear Standing,

You don’t have to use real lions. No one’s gonna know. I’ll tell you what: Don’t use real lions, but don’t let anyone near enough to see that they’re fake. Like maybe you can have some kind of rule where no one can approach the throne without permission.

Dear Mordechai,

I’ve been invited to a party at the palace for an entire year, but I might have some scheduling conflicts. Should I go?

Conflicted, Media

Dear Conflicted,

Do you really want to go to a party that’s a year long? You go to a party that’s three hours long, and halfway through you’re looking around for your wife. What do you think they’re going to be doing there? You eat a course, you get up and dance, you eat the next course, you get up and dance, you eat another course… Remember how sick of food you are after a three-day Yom Tov? Plus, I bet there’s going to be speeches. And imagine how much you’re going to have to pay the babysitter. But on the other hand, I hear there’s an open bar.

Dear Mordechai,

I summoned my wife to my party, and she’s been in her dressing room for like an hour, and she still hasn’t come out. Should I have her beheaded, or what?

Plastered, Shushan

Dear Plastered,

I’d give it time. An hour is nothing. Come back to me when it’s been several hours and she’s yelling through the door about how she doesn’t even want to go in the first place, and it’s just going to be your friends, and how her grandfather was right about you.

Dear Mordechai,

How does one cover up a whole bunch of pimples?

Red-faced, Dressing Room

PS — I also have a tail.

Dear Red,

Maybe if you put some ribbons in the tail, no one will notice the pimples. I would also suggest growing a huge horn in the middle of your head.

Dear Mordechai,

Me again. It’s been a few hours, and my wife is yelling something about her grandfather. Can I have her beheaded NOW already?

Beyond Plastered, Shushan

Dear Beyond,

I’d say. The next thing you know, women are going to wear the pants, and we’re going to have to carry their shopping bags, and listen when they talk, and every time we want to go out, we’re going to have to be like, “Honey, I’m going to be home at eight. Is that okay?” I would say that you should find whichever one of your advisors has the scariest wife and listen to his unbiased opinion. Especially if he has a near-sighted daughter that he’s hoping to marry into royalty.

Dear Mordechai,

I just woke up with the hangover of my life, and I can’t remember a single thing that’s happened in the past year. My palace is in shambles, I have a pile of bills, my wife’s been beheaded, I can’t find my scepter, and there’s a camel in the bathtub. What happened?

Confused, Location Unknown

Dear Confused,

If you’d like, you can get up to speed by going to www.jewishpress.com/archives

Dear Mordechai,

I have a question about shidduchim. I’m currently in the parsha, but I’m getting a little sick of the whole dating scene. It’s always the same restaurants and the same lounges, and everyone there knows me already, and every girl is like, “Wow, you’re a king? I’m going into O.T.!” and I always get stuck with the bill. Also, people keep looking into my background, and finding out about my questionable yichus, and my drinking habit, and the fact that I behead wives. I’d love to just bypass this whole step.

Texting, Dougies

Dear Texting,

Have you tried speed dating? Force all the women in the kingdom to line up outside your palace, and you’ll get through all of them in like a perek.

Dear Mordechai,

I’m getting married, and I’m Jewish, but my husband is not a big fan of the Jews. Should I mention it? I feel like it might be too late.

Anonymous, Shushan

Dear Anonymous,

No, don’t mention it. He’ll love that, actually. If I know your husband, his previous wife was the type to never stop talking about her lineage. (“That’s not how my grandfather used to rule a kingdom!” “That’s not how my grandfather used to get drunk!”) And if there’s one thing a man loves, it’s never having to meet his in-laws.

Dear Mordechai,

I’m trying to learn Torah at the palace gates, but it’s very noisy over here. “Ooh, I hope the king marries me!” “I wonder if he’s going to throw a big party like the last time!” “Hey, let’s poison the king!” These people do not stop talking. What should I do?

Frustrated, Palace Gates

Dear Frustrated,

If you hear something, say something. Best case scenario, the situation will take care of itself, and you can go back to learning.

Dear Mordechai,

I have reason to believe that some of my servants are trying to kill me. But when I ask them, I don’t understand a single word they’re saying. Should I just have a drink and try to forget about it?

Paranoid, Location undisclosed

Dear Paranoid,

Maybe you should ease up on the drinking for a second.

Dear Mordechai,

There is this one guy at work who just does not bow down to me. What should I do?

Haman, Amalek

Dear Haman,

That’s a first-world problem, dude. You’re on your own.

Dear Mordechai,

There’s a new law that everyone has to prostrate themselves in front of Haman. What is “prostrate”, and is it covered by my insurance?

Worried, Shushan

Dear Worried,

Just try to avoid him.

Dear Mordechai,

I can’t decide which day to kill all the Jews. Should I just pick a date out of a hat? I have a new hat.

Haman, Taschen

Dear Haman,

I cannot suggest killing whole groups of people in a family newspaper. But it’s nice to know that, as an elected official, your schedule is so wide open that you literally do not care which day you’re going to do this.

Dear Mordechai,

I had a brand-new four-cornered hat, and my daughter cut off one of the corners. Should I hang her on a big tree?

Fuming, Taschen

Dear Fuming,

People aren’t really hanging their kids anymore. Maybe you should punish her with extra chores, like putting her in charge of emptying the chamber pots for a week.

Dear Mordechai,

My wife invited me to a party that’s just her and me and one other guy. Is that weird?

Hungry, Shushan

Dear Hungry,

It’s hard to say.

Dear Mordechai,

I need to build a gallows to hang my coworker, and according to my wife, who by the way does not wear the pants, it absolutely must be 50 amos high. My question is this: Why can I never find anyone to help me at Home Depot?

Lost, Home Depot

Dear Lost,

Um, I might have told people to avoid you.

Dear Mordechai,

What on earth should be done to the man whom the king wants to honor?

Sleepless, Shushan

Dear Sleepless,

I’d say you should pay him in kind. Like if he saved your life, you should maybe try not to sign any decrees that would end his. But if it’s too late for that, then maybe a nice horsie ride.

Dear Mordechai,

I have to go to a party with the king and queen in about five minutes, and I’m totally covered in garbage, which is the only thing covering up the horse smell. What do I do?

Dripping, the foyer

Dear Dripping,

Again, first-world problems.

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