(Names and situations changed)
My last several articles talked about the common experience for many “well spouses” of juggling simchas and crises at the same time. They talked about trying hard to keep the two occasions separated so that the crisis does not obliterate the simcha.
One of the most common experiences I have encountered from talking to well spouses is people’s lack of understanding of the immediate family’s need to keep the situations separate. All too often, well intentioned people who have no experience dealing with these two polar emotions at the same time decide that it is best to integrate the two and try to do so, despite requests not to. The result is often disastrous for the family. Anticipating this, many “well spouses” are adamant that the simcha be kept only as a simcha, and they request that everyone leave the concerns for the crisis at the door. As a result, the spouses are often labeled as villains.
The Greenbergs had just finished shloshim (30 days after a death) for their husband and father when the youngest son, Danny, was to have his bar mitzvah. Mrs. Greenberg wanted the bar mitzvah to be full of simcha. She felt that her family, especially her son, had suffered enough with the recent loss of his father. She was determined that he remember his bar mitzvah as a joyous occasion.
Their rabbi decided, without consulting the family, to use the simcha as an occasion to memorialize the late father. He chose to give a speech about the importance of a father and son relationship. The bar mitzvah boy broke down in tears, as did the rest of his family. When his mother confronted the rabbi later, he could not understand her anger. He thought she was despicable for trying to “leave the father out of the simcha.”
When Henry was hospitalized just before his daughter’s wedding, it was suggested that the chuppa (wedding ceremony) would be a perfect place to say a public prayer for him. The idea was suggested to the bride, who asked her mother how she felt. The mother absolutely vetoed the idea, thereby taking on the role of the villain. Her daughter told her how guilty she felt when the idea was suggested because she didn’t think she could handle it. She was afraid she would dissolve in tears of pain under her chuppa. She certainly would be praying for her Dad quietly and privately, but the public show would be too hard for everyone to handle.
Her mother told her to say that it was the mother who would not allow it. She was used to being the villain as she strove to protect her family during this juggling act.
Mrs. Weissman was in her third day of shiva for her sister when her daughter married. She made it very clear to people that today, the wedding day, was a day for celebration only. Tomorrow, she would go back to mourning. She didn’t want to mix the two. She simply couldn’t deal with it any other way. She celebrated her daughter’s wedding with all the joy she could manage, rebuffing anyone who tried to take her to that place of mourning in her heart with their comments.
People could not understand the rebuff they received when simply trying to use meeting at the simcha as an opportunity to express their condolences. They were upset at how they were being treated when they were just doing what they felt was appropriate. How awful that Mrs. Weissman couldn’t acknowledge their well meaning intentions.
Grief is, for most of us, a private emotion. Joy tends to be more public. How to juggle the two at the same time differs for every individual. Even if you have stood in those shoes of dealing with both emotions at the same time, it does not mean you know what is best for someone else in that situation.
Before anyone imposes something on the family, they should ask their permission. Then they need to abide by their request without judgment. Just because someone chooses to handle the juggling act in a way you don’t understand does not make him or her a villain. It only makes him/her a person trying to get through an emotionally charged day as best (s)he can, while protecting the family at the same time.
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