{Reposted from the SATIRIC website, PreOccupied Territory}
Shushan, Achaemenid Empire, February 17 – The emperor issued a proclamation today boasting that his administration has earned the support of a progressive Jewish group that bills itself as “pro-Israel, pro-peace,” in ceasing rebuilding of the Jewish Holy Temple in Jerusalem, pointing to that support as evidence of his attentiveness to Jewish concerns and that he could not possibly be antisemitic.
Ahashverosh announced via his extensive courier system that J Street endorses his policy of preventing continued work on the reconstruction of the Temple, and that unlike other, suspicious elements in his realm, that organization understands that allowing the Jews to reassert sovereignty of any sort, even religious autonomy, in their ancestral homeland would threaten the stability of all one-hundred-twenty-seven provinces of the empire, so they should just keep their heads down and not pretend they enjoy the same rights as other people, if they know what’s good for them.
The king halted work on the Temple that began more than a decade ago under Cyrus the Mede. At the time, Cyrus issued broad permission for peoples under his domain exiled or scattered by previous empires to return to their places of national origin and reestablish themselves as subject political entities. Tens of thousands of Jews availed themselves of the proclamation, while millions more remained in what had been the Neo-Babylonian Empire that exiled the Jews from Judah and destroyed the Temple there. Many of those who remained, however, contributed funds to support the resettlement and reconstruction effort.
J-Street president Jeremy Ben-Ami stated that his organization rose to combat the common misperception that the Jews give monolithic support to their own redemption and restoration. “Mainstream organizations and outlets have ignored or suppressed dissenting voices in the Perso-Median-Jewish community,” he explained. “Not that we’re anti-Jewish restoration! We simply oppose achieving it at the expense of other values, such as total Jewish subservience to non-Jews. If Jews doing something collectively sparks non-Jewish anger or opposition, we must avoid that something. We’re pro-Jewish, pro-Temple, and we’re also pro-anti-Jewish, pro-anti-Temple.”
Ben-Ami acknowledged that his organization represents a minority of the empire’s Jews, but aims to change that ratio. “This high-profile role in His Majesty’s policymaking and public relations can help advance that vision,” he added. “Our next move will probably involve persuading our fellow Jews across the empire to participate enthusiastically in the King’s upcoming feast to mark the passage of Jeremiah’s prophetic deadline for the rebuilding.”
