Photo Credit: Asher Schwartz

{Originally posted to the SATIRICAL PreOccupied website}

Gaza City, April 1 – Thank you for checking out my profile at GazaDate and choosing to get in touch! I’m sure we’ll have lots to talk about once we get past the preliminaries, but since you’ve expressed interest, here are a few more tidbits about me to help you decide whether to pursue this potential match an further: I love to watch the day become twilight; I love to stroll along the Mediterranean shore; and I love to place children in mortal danger by using them as human shields or, better yet, exploiting their deaths at the hands of the IDF for propaganda purposes.

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What about you? I look forward to hearing about your interests and how they mesh with mine, especially taking children to violent attempts at invasion – we can call them “protests” or “demonstrations” for foreign news media. How young do you prefer your human shields? I’m most inclined toward the preschooler and early elementary-school-age group, but I appreciate the appeal of other age ranges.

When it comes to giving knives to children and sending them through breaches in the Zionist security fence to attack Jews – or, preferably, be killed themselves – that obviously requires a slightly older child, at least seven or eight years of age, but to each his own. If your interests lie more in a preteen human shield direction, please tell me all about it! I’ve always enjoyed spending time with people whose interests don’t match mine exactly.

Ideally, the guys who click on my profile will match in more than one area of interest, so if you like walking on the beach at sunset as you take a young child to a violent protest, I’m more than interested. That’s my sweet spot right there. If that describes you, go ahead and get in touch – I’ll definitely be contacting you back before anyone else.

If these, or similar pastimes, are your interests, as well, we could have something amazing. Already I’m dreaming of finding the man with whom to have children of my own that I can take to riots. Imagine the PR bonanza if both the child and I get killed, or even just wounded, at one of the Return March demonstrations! I get a thrill just thinking about the possibilities. If losing your wife and children in such a dramatic, noble, and glorious fashion is how you see your romantic future, then let’s talk some more.

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