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{Originally posted to the satirical website, PreOccupied Territory}

Tehran, September 28 – Iranian officials, presiding over a nation of non-Arabs, restated today their determination to combat Israel and Western interests in the region even as far as the death of the last Arab in the Middle East.


Government functionaries and religious officeholders in the Islamic Republic launched a coordinated domestic media campaign this morning aimed at shoring up patriotic support for the country’s financial, logistical, material, and personnel support for militias advancing Iranian interests in Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Yemen, stressing that the sacrifices necessary to achieve regional hegemony are a price Iran’s people are willing to bear, since few, if any, of the expected millions of casualties will be from Iran.

“We will fight to the last Arab, to achieve our ends, if necessary,” declared Ayatollah Tawil Hedd. “Though the bloodshed may be fierce, in the end it will only affect Arabs, so we’re cool with that.”

“Down with Western aggression!” echoed Isfahan Mayor Djenneh Sayyid. “We are fighting a fight of survival. But it’s not our survival that’s at stake. We’ll be fine. Can’t say the same for the Arabs of the region, though.”

Indeed, say analysts, Iran under the mullahs has shown a remarkable willingness to sacrifice Arabs for its ends while claiming to have Arab interests at heart. “All Muslim governments in the Mideast have some disregard for their own people,” observed radio commentator Disizza Fars. “But where Iran has always stood apart from the rest is its policies aimed at testing those governments’ limits in that regard. It sometimes looks like a social experiment gone wrong, with the leaders of Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, and elsewhere bending over backwards to facilitate the destruction that Iran’s ambitions inevitably wreak.”

Fars cited the episodic wars between Iran-backed militant groups and Israel, in which thousands of Arabs, i.e. not people from Iran, have been killed. “Everyone knows that Iran funds and supplies Hezbollah,” he remarked. “Hezbollah is Shiite, like Iran. the same goes for the other Shiite militias fighting in Iraq and Syria, ostensibly against the Islamic State, but effectively against anyone Iran wants to get rid of. But there’s always been an on-again, off-again relationship between Iran and various Palestinian terrorist groups, chief among them Hamas and Islamic Jihad, despite the Sunni-Shia divide. Iranian money talks, and much louder since Obama gave them ridiculous amounts of cash and shredded the economic sanctions that had previously applied to them.”

“It shows a determination the US has never had, the willingness to fight to the last Arab,” he added. “Russia might, though.”

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