One of the greatest challenges facing idealists is inducing the community to admit and face up to the fact that there is a problem, any problem. This is nothing new. How many of our holy prophets succeeded in inducing the Jews of their time to address their flaws, despite generally being recognized and accepted as bearing the word of God? If those who possessed objective, unadulterated Truth were unable to get through to the masses, the rest of us who try and fail in this endeavor have no reason to be ashamed.
The challenge of awakening and improving the community is perhaps harder today than ever before. With observant Jewry (not to mention the rest of it) so infinitesimally fragmented by sinat chinam masquerading as other things, it is nearly impossible to convince any segment of the community to admit it has a problem; after all, any admission of imperfection or insecurity makes the other guys look better. True progress is thereby stymied and impeded by external, political considerations that should be secondary, if not entirely non-existent. All of Jewry is guilty of this, and all of Jewry suffers greatly and without end as a result. I do not need to provide tragic illustrations, as every reader can provide his own.
Fortunately, there is good news to report. Despite our tendency to ignore or downplay our problems, it is no longer radical to publicly admit that all is not right in the realm of dating and marriage. One can even criticize the “system,” albeit in general terms, with minimal fear of retribution. (Most likely this refreshing willingness to admit communal imperfection is only an aberration due to the widespread severity of the problem. Perhaps, against all odds, we can use this sliver of introspection as a springboard to right our floundering ship.)
Even more encouraging, this communal self-examination, trifling though it is, is slowly leading to proactive efforts meant to improve the situation. In recent times we have seen a proliferation of singles events even in communities that generally frown on the idea of men and women crossing paths outside the context of a marriage interview. Such events are far from common, as they once were, but neither are they completely unheard of. Brave rabbis have publicly encouraged singles to meet one another without a middleman, and brave singles are favoring the potential benefits over the risk of stigma by gossip-mongering neighbors.
However, as encouraging as it is to see positive energy to help singles, not all who wish to help are up to the task, and their well-meant efforts can cause tremendous harm. For example, people often boast that a certain shadchan “made” x number of shidduchim, and thus is quite successful at it. But few bother to ask how many terrible matches the same shadchan suggested, how much pain and damage this shadchan caused along the way, how many hundreds or even thousands of people may have suffered as a result of carelessness, thoughtlessness, and even malice.
We don’t ask if a monkey setting up people purely at random could have produced superior results. No, a few shidduchim were made, so the shadchan must be doing something right.
Similarly, we see a proliferation of Internet dating sites for religious singles. They proclaim that x number of members met a match through the site. But they don’t tell you how many tens of thousands of people have received no benefit through the site, how many terrible experiences resulted from various flaws in the system, how much unnecessary collective suffering transpied so that a minuscule percentage of people could benefit. No, it worked for them, so sign up and spin the wheel yourself.
