Yet rganizers continue to emulate these two models, and singles continue to submit to them. The vast majority of singles leave each event more disillusioned, more frustrated, with more tales of woe – yet they continue to return to the same empty well, wistfully hoping that next time they will be among the handful of lucky winners. And people wonder why singles rush to get married after just a few scripted dates. The first emotion they feel when they find someone to marry is not joy, but relief – relief that they finally found someone superficially compatible and no longer must endure the torture of the search. (For many this rush to marriage comes back to haunt them, and the relief is short-lived indeed.)
This is what dating and marriage has become for religious Jews of all types and stripes.
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There is a solution. Between the contrived mingling of the first model and the suffocating structure of the second is a healthy middle ground. It is possible – almost easy, in fact – to create events that facilitate comfortable, unforced interaction that will naturally lead to quality dates. I know this is true because I have organized such events and witnessed success with my own eyes. I present the following tips on how to improve singles events with the hope that others will put them into practice.
1) Don’t run singles events. The very phrase conjures up images of desperate singles trying to get a date. Instead, run community events. The difference is more than semantics. Community events are also open to married people and singles already in a steady relationship. The presence of such people – as participants, not matchmakers – preserves the dignity of those who are looking and enables them to interact more comfortably with others. After all, they’re there to enjoy a worthwhile program, and along the way they’ll have the opportunity to meet new people.
This is vastly different than date-or-bust events. No one is wearing a sign that says “I’m only here because I want to get a date,” which is awkward and degrading. Singles generally have more time and interest to attend events, but they aren’t coming for the express purpose of getting a date. The natural atmosphere allows singles to be themselves, to enjoy the company of others, to feel good about themselves and the experience. Lo and behold, socializing will come more easily and will lead to greater things without undue tension.
Oh, and make events that naturally lend themselves to interaction. A lecture with separate seating doesn’t cut it. Try a discussion or a group project to benefit the community. There’s no shortage of great ideas.
2) The goal of the program is not to make shidduchim! Success will be determined not by the percentage of people who get dates, which is not in your hands, but by the percentage of people who have a genuinely good time. The litmus test is the following question: “If you could do it over again, would you come?” If singles would gladly have come despite knowing in advance that they wouldn’t get a date out of it, you’ve got yourself a winning program.
On Tu b’Av I organized a game event for young people, most of whom were looking, with no mention made of singles or dating. The purpose was simply to have good fun in good company. Only one game was even played; people were too busy socializing and meeting new people. Most of them stayed until I chased them out, and of those who returned feedback surveys (with the option of remaining anonymous), 100 percent stated they would do it again. You can be sure that phone numbers exchanged hands as well.
