Although the Torah commands us to care for and support all Jews, and to some extent, all people, it also encourages us to develop closer relationships with family and friends.
Spouse
As we saw, the spouse is the first one intended to alleviate loneliness. Man was “not good” alone; Hashem created Chava to solve the problem (Ber. 2:18).
How does a spouse enhance life? What is Judaism’s view of the spousal relationship?
There are many answers to this question. The Torah gives the first one – spouses assist one another. The Torah describes the woman Hashem created for man as an eizer, helper (ibid.). Life’s tasks and challenges are too vast for people to face alone; we succeed better as a team of two.
Childbirth is a clear example of this reality. The need for a spouse to bear children exemplifies the need for an eizer in our lives.
Rav Hirsch (ibid.) adds a spiritual dimension. Hashem sets unique roles for each person. These roles are too much for a person to accomplish on their own; we realize our destiny only with the help of our spouse.
Sefer Kohelet (4:9-11) adds another idea. Even when we are unable to assist each other, we can help by commiserating with one another. Our spouse should be our primary friend with whom we share our feelings and experiences (Ibn Ezra, Ber. 2:18). When we do so, our celebrations become happier occasions and our setbacks and frustrations are easier to handle.
Although both roles, helper and friend, are part of the spousal relationship, the relationship extends beyond. The Torah describes how Hashem created Chava from Adam’s own body (Ber. 2:21-22). Hashem initially created man as one organism that included both male and female components (Ber. 1:27). Chava’s subsequent creation was more of a separation than a new creation.
Hashem initially created man together with his spouse so they would feel part of one being. Though they ultimately needed to be separated so each person could forge their own identity and choose to be with one another (Ramban, Ber. 2:18), they were meant to see each other as part of themselves – as a “soulmate,” because they share one soul (Zohar 1:91b). This is why men court women – they are searching for a lost part of themselves (Kidd. 2b). We, too, should see ourselves as incomplete without a spouse to complete us.
Though we love our parents and other relatives as well, spousal love is different. It is love for an inherent part of ourselves. The Torah explains that the unique power of this love causes people to prioritize their relationship with their spouse over loyalty to their parents (Ber. 2:23-24). From birth, we see our relationship with our parents as primary. Love changes that in mere weeks or even days, highlighting the unique and profound bond in spousal relationships.
Appreciating the uniqueness of our relationship with our spouse should strengthen our marital relationship. Instead of seeing our spouse as a mere arbitrary choice, we should recognize that we are inherently connected and meant to be together. This recognition should influence how we perceive both one another as well as other potential partners. The human sexual act is intended to be more than just animalistic cohabitation; it is the reunion of two parts of one being. Appreciating this should help us remain loyal to our other half.
Rashi (Ber. 2:24) adds that children created through this reunion embody the oneness of the parents. Children are not just the product of their parents’ union, but also a representation of the unity and love that brought them into being. Although the act of physical reunion has concluded, the child continues to represent the oneness symbolized in the act that brought him into being. Children are the result of a genetic combination of their parents and the product of their combined efforts, investment, and care.
Family
In addition to our spouses and children, we are all part of families with whom we share common ancestors. This relationship is a vital aspect of our existence and plays a significant role in shaping our identity and who we are.
The Torah first mentions family when describing the animals who disembarked from Noah’s ark (Ber. 8:18). After the flood washed away those who selfishly cared only for themselves, the Torah emphasizes family (even for animals!) as the antidote. We may not be able to connect to and care for all living beings immediately. We start with our family and hope to use that as a foundation to inspire care for all others.
As the Jewish people develop into a nation in Egypt, Sefer Shemot continues to emphasize family. Though Parshat Vayigash (Ber. 46:8-27) already mentioned the names of Yaakov’s sons who descended to Mitzrayim, Sefer Shemot (1:1-5) opens by repeating their names. This time, though, they are presented not as individuals, but as part of a “bayit” – a home, or family.
Later in Sefer Shemot, Hashem emphasized the importance of the familial side of our identity at the moment of our redemption. Chazal explains that He wanted to redeem the Jewish people, but they needed to fulfill mitzvot to merit His salvation (Mechilta, Bo 5). Hashem gave them two mitzvot: brit milah and Korban Pesach. Milah forged individual identity; Korban Pesach, which was presented to family units and fulfilled in the home, added a familial component to our identity.
This aspect of identity accompanied us through the desert and into Eretz Yisrael, where it was enshrined for eternity. Hashem commanded Moshe to count the Jewish people by tribe and by family (Bam. 1:2). It was not a mere generic census of 600,000 people.
Like the count, the subsequent encampment was also arranged by tribe, each one expressing its unique identity with a personalized flag (Bam. 2).
These tribal and familial distinctions continued in Eretz Yisrael. The allocation of land was also done by tribe and family (Bam. 26), and sustained through the return of land during the Yovel year (Vay. 25:13).
Though we are all meant to feel part of the broader Jewish national collective, we also identify as part of our specific family. Connecting with the latter can even help us strengthen our connection to the former, underscoring the power of familial connections in shaping our broader national identity. In the words of Edmund Burke, “To be attached to the subdivision, to love the little platoon we belong to in society, is the first principle (the germ as it were) of public affections. It is the first link in the series by which we proceed towards a love for our country, and for mankind” (Reflections on the French Revolution: The Harvard Classics, Edmund Burke, 1909-14).
Family members are also a vital part of our support system. They are the ones we are responsible for assisting and can turn to for assistance. Family members perpetuate the names of relatives who die without children (Dev. 25:5-6). They also redeem those forced to sell their ancestral land or themselves (Vay. 25:24-49). It is significant that the Torah uses the word “geulah” 31 times in this context and also uses it to describe the relative who brings a murderer of a family member to justice (Bam 35:19). In times of need or weakness, our relatives hold our geulah in their hands.
Friends
Friends are also an essential part of our lives and growth. As we saw before, we are “not good” when we are alone. In the words of Sefer Kohelet (4:9), “Two are better than one.”
Kohelet gives two reasons why.
The first is utilitarian: “When one falls, the other can help him up” (4:10). Having a friend means having someone to turn to in our time of need – two people can help each other accomplish more than either could have on their own. There is also a spiritual benefit. Friends help us grow in our avodat Hashem by offering constructive criticism, providing feedback on our ideas, and offering guidance on our conduct.
Kohelet’s second reason relates to the importance of the relationship itself: “Even if both friends fall and are unable to help each other up, at least they can warm [console] one another” (4:11). People need to share with others, to the point that many prefer death over loneliness (Taan. 23a). Hashem created us this way to inspire us to connect to others in a way that helps both of us.
Additionally, friends are the ones with whom we share our feelings, experiences, plans, and aspirations. Like our spouses, friends are people we choose; they are individuals with whom we resonate and feel we can collaborate and share.
The Mishna in Avot (1:6) encourages us to “acquire” friends. This is because friends, like one’s spouse and family, support us both in both practical and emotional ways.
We are meant to assist and impact others, and we are similarly assisted and affected by them (Rambam, Hilchot Dei’ot 6:1). Recognizing this, we must carefully choose friends and neighbors who will reinforce positive values.
May appreciating the importance of spouse, family, and friends inspire us to develop these relationships properly.
