Dear Dating Coach,
I am 27 years old and I have been dating for YEARS. I know I am not that old, but I really feel like I have been dating forever. My parents (my mother!) still manage all dating suggestions and inquiries and I want to put a stop to it. I am fine if people still reach out to her, but I want to be more involved and obviously have the final say. It’s hard because I still live at home so it becomes difficult to create these new adult boundaries. But I really feel like it is ridiculous to have to go through my parents at this point. If someone has a good idea for me for a guy that they think might work, let them just reach out to me directly. I will do the research and decide. My parents are totally against this but have agreed to hear your opinion. What do you think?
Direct Dater
Dear Direct,
The woman who works at 7-11 is very judgmental. Just because someone goes into your store at an unreasonable hour and purchases a large Slurpee, an undisclosed number of Gushers packages, Laffy Taffy sticks, and a few (a lot) of bags of red-hot chips, you don’t have to gasp (loudly!) at the register. You certainly don’t need to ask if “someone is having a party!?” when your customer is clearly not dressed for a soirée. And when they confirm that there is “no party,” you do not need to make prolonged eye contact, sigh, and say “I see.” Yes, I am not a child. Yes, I appreciate a Slurpee or three every so often. No need to look below the counter for my non-existent youthful companion. It’s just me here. 7-11 used to be a safe haven, a peaceful place for those looking for nourishment (sugar). So please, Miss Judgy McJudgy, just smile and let me know how much I need to pay. $48.70! Wow. That is a lot. I see where you are coming from now. I will think about this while I drink my Big Gulp.
Because of My Age…
I appreciate your question and the chance to weigh in. You are an adult and feel sure about your ability to make decisions on whom and when to date now that you have been doing this for a few years. In the beginning, perhaps you appreciated the input and research your parents offered, but now things have changed. You are less reliant on their suggestions and opinions and trust yourself to make good dating choices. You don’t want to remove your parents from the dating equation completely, but you do want to delegate yourself as role of “decision maker.”
I’m Often Mistaken for An Adult
Your parents don’t agree, and you appreciate the possibility of mixed messaging since you live at home and still benefit from their care in so many ways. I agree with you. If you feel like you can make healthy dating choices, then you can definitely sift through possibilities and suggestions at this point. Something has not been working, and perhaps your greater involvement was the missing piece. That being said, maybe it is also time to take further control of your independence. I am not suggesting that you move out, but that you take stock of the resources that you are comfortable taking from your parents contrasted with the dating control that you are no longer willing to accept. Take the time to assess your true independence. Assess your financial autonomy, your contribution to the household in general, and evaluate your partnership in the home where you crave more equality. Act like an adult, in ALL ways, and your parents will recognize that you have the maturity, the smarts, and the capacity to make good and sound choices. This will better you as a person and fully prepare you to embrace the right guy when he comes along. (May I suggest 7-11 for a date? No? Fine. More for me.)
