Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Dr. Yael,

Our son is in shidduchim now and we are overwhelmed with resumes. However, when we say “Yes”, we often get a “No”. We are a great family, and our son is a good boy. When he does go out, the girls usually want to continue; it is he who says “No.” Yet, it seems that the girls he is truly interested in are not interested in him. He has many friends, has great middos, is well-liked and learns full-time. Please help us.


Concerned Parents


Dear Concerned Parents,

Being in shidduchim is very challenging. There are so many variables that go into each shidduch and it is difficult to sort through all of the wonderful resumes we receive.

Once we think a girl is appropriate, it is hard to get a “no” in return. Most of the time we get a “no” because that girl is not the right one, even though on paper everything seems right. Sometimes, though, when it seems you are getting a “No” more often then a “Yes,” we may have to dig a little deeper. There could be someone on his shidduch resume who is not giving positive information. You mention that your son is learning. Who are the rabbeim on his resume?

I have been involved in cases where the girl’s family got very negative information about the boy. Twice, I was friends with both families and was able to let the young man’s family know that a specific person needed to be removed from the resume. I am not trying to make you upset or suspicious, but it would be prudent to try to find out what the people you have listed on your son’s resume are saying about him. Sometimes rabbeim think they are giving over positive information, but if they are not truly fond of your son, that might come through in how they say things. Or, a more likely situation may be that the rabbeim think wonderfully of your son, but are not good at giving over information.

You can ask a good friend to call the references on the resume asking for information about your son and see what is being said and how. If a reference hesitates and does not give glowing information, that person should be removed from your son’s shidduch resume. People they think that most information is exaggerated, so anything less than glowing sounds suspicious.

Another question: Is anyone angry with your family and trying to hijack your son? What about his friends – are they jealous of him? What about a shidduch situation in which someone was hurt by your family? Even if it was a trivial thing in your mind, you never know how the other person felt and it can’t hurt to reach out and apologize (this pertains to you, your husband, and your son).

Dating is very daunting. However, the Ribbono Shel Olam is the true mezaveg zivugim and we have to believe that the right person will hear the right information. The shidduch parsha is daunting. Everything you may think is positive may, at times, be perceived as negative for some ridiculous reason. However, the right shidduch will hear the right things.   Hatzlocha. We look forward to hearing good news from you soon.


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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at