Dear Dr. Yael,
I am grieving the loss of my father. He was sick for a while, but I feel guilt that maybe I did not do enough even though I literally did everything, carrying the burden more than my siblings. Please help me deal with this grief.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Grief is a very challenging situation. Grief can involve a range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and a sense of detachment. It can manifest physically as well, like changes in appetite, sleep disturbances and difficulty concentrating. The common stages of grief, introduced by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Guilt is sometimes defined as anger turned inward. You may be angry at your siblings for not helping more. You may be angry at yourself for whatever reason, but joining a support group or going for professional help may assist you in dealing with your grief. Grief can manifest itself in many ways. One way to work on being happier is to try to distract yourself from your grief sometimes. When you are distracted and happy doing something it can help your grief. Do you work? Positive work experiences can also help you deal more effectively with your grief. Can you do things that will help your grief? Can you get involved in activities that will distract and help you deal with issues? Can you add exercise into your schedule? Exercise will help you start to feel happier as well, as the endorphins that get released while exercising are very therapeutic.
I am not sure what your life is like at this point as you did not share many details. If you are married and/or have children and grandchildren, maybe spend more positive time with the people that you love. Focusing on positive memories of your father can also be very helpful. Research shows that focusing on happy times that you had with a loved one and focusing on things you learned from your father can help you through grief. This is why shiva can be cathartic, even though it’s very difficult. Most people spend the days of shiva recounting many happy memories of their loved one and talking about their loved one’s good qualities. After shiva, it is a relief to go back to a more regular schedule and have more time for yourself, but many people miss being able to talk about their loved one and share stories about their loved one. Is there someone you can still share these memories with?
Dedicating small mitzvos you do in your father’s memory can also be helpful. It doesn’t have to be large things. Every mitzvah can be something special for your father. Remember things that were special to your father and try to take on something doable for you. Maybe visit an elderly friend of your father’s or something else that you find meaningful.
Lastly, remember that grief takes time. You will heal with time, but feeling guilty is not healthy. Try to talk to yourself about how much you did to help your father and take care of him. Use positive statements in your mind to replace whatever you are telling yourself that is making you feel guilty. The more positive you are with yourself, the easier it will be to heal. You can also work through the phases of grief to help you through this difficult process. You will never forget your father, but with time and assistance you will start to heal.
I wish you hatzlacha in dealing with your grief. Please focus on the brachos in your life and work on focusing on things and doing things that make you feel happier.
