Dear Dr. Yael,
Baruch Hashem, I have a good marriage and happy and healthy children. However, I grew up in a tense home with two angry parents. I was so intimidated that I try very hard not to get angry. In addition, my husband feels he has to be very careful since I can’t deal with anger. He sees me withdraw, and he feels he cannot express a different opinion. However I really want to have an open relationship with my husband. I find him to be very protective of my feelings.
My parents are still married, but they are angry, tense people. I find that I am not assertive at times because I fear making someone else angry. There are times when I should speak up, but because I fear anger, I don’t. I know it is good not to engage in anger. However perhaps you can give me ideas about how to not let my parents live rent free in my brain.
I am always avoiding anger and conflict. Please give me tips on how to deal with conflict in a way that will not feel dangerous to me.
A People Pleaser
Dear People Pleaser,
Being a people-pleaser is not necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes difficult when you feel you have to avoid conflict at all costs. Having a fight is not a bad thing in and of itself, as long as you fight appropriately and respectfully. You are allowed to disagree with people, you just can’t be disrespectful or mean to others. Anger is a difficult thing in general to mediate because people think of anger as a bad thing. In reality, anger in a calm form can actually be helpful in that it helps you stand up for yourself. Every middah (characteristic) has good parts and bad parts and we need to learn how to use each of them in a good way. However, if one has had bad experiences with fighting and anger in their childhood, then they have learned that conflict is a frightening and negative thing that should be avoided at all costs. In actuality, conflict can help resolve issues if done in a healthy manner.
Baruch Hashem, you married someone different from your parents, but it seems like your avoidance of conflict is affecting your marriage. You already know the “why,” and you are aware of the issue at hand, which is half the battle. Thus, the next step is to start recognizing when you feel this way and to start doing something about it. Instead of having these conversations in your head and holding all of your anger inside, you’re going to need to start practicing what you will say when you are feeling upset about something. Since avoiding conflicts to the extent you’re doing so is not working for you, it is important to start taking baby steps towards asserting yourself when needed. Practicing what you want to say and having an idea of what you want the outcome to be before you enter the conversation are two ways to prepare for a conversation that may include conflict. Speaking up about something small at first is good practice and will likely be a more positive experience for you.
In my own private practice I often use role playing to help people deal with different challenging issues in their life. This can be in relationship to their parents, in-laws, spouse, children, children-in-law, work situation or any issue which makes them feel intimidated or uncomfortable. Practicing what you want to say or role playing can help you learn how to be more assertive in a less scary way, so you are more prepared for when you actually need to use the skill.
For example, instead of retreating when your husband expresses an opinion contrary to yours in a tone you may not like, you can say “I feel uncomfortable when you express yourself in that manner, I would appreciate it if you can share your difference of opinion without an angry tone.” This is a made up example since I do not know exactly what bothers you in various situations. However, you can bring up an issue that bothers you and then share what you need from your spouse.
Regarding letting your parents live rent-free in your head, it would be helpful to figure out a way to deal with your buried anger towards them, possibly without even talking to them about it. Since you mentioned that your parents are angry and intimidating people, it may not be helpful to speak to them. It may be more productive to speak with a professional about how you’re feeling and to work through your past on your own. Working through those feelings may help you get past your fear of conflict and may help you feel stronger and more confident. Hatzlacha in learning how to be more assertive.
